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Black Treacle Tart with Lemon Cream

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When making the pastry for my French-inspired tuna and tomato tart, I decided double the recipe, giving me enough dough for another creation. This time I looked closer to home and decided to experiment with my one of my Dad's favourite puds, the good old treacle tart (this also bears more than a passing resemblance to the tart au sucre I enjoyed earlier last year in Brussels).

Traditionally this isn't made with dark treacle at all, but instead with the more familiar golden syrup. It's one of those wonderfully simple, tooth-achingly sweet puddings we Brits are so good at; just syrup-saturated breadcrumbs in a friable pastry case. Sometimes you may find a little lemon or ground ginger to spice things up, and you should always find a dollop of cream or ice cream alongside to cut through the sweetness, but that's all there is to it.

While the classic version is indisputably great, I wanted to try something a little more complex. Swapping half the syrup for black treacle and adding ground almonds and plenty of lemon zest produced something gloriously sweet and spicy, with hints of burnt liquorice from the treacle. Served with good spoonful of thick double cream, perfumed with lemon zest, this is a proper grown-up nursery pudding.

Black Treacle Tart with Lemon Cream
Pastry
250g plain flour
125g cold butter, cubed
1 egg, beaten

Filling
200g black treacle
200g golden syrup
100g white breadcrumbs
100g ground almonds
2 eggs, beaten
Zest of one lemon
Pinch of salt

Lemon cream
300ml double cream
Zest of half a lemon

To make the pastry place flour and butter in a food processor and blitz until it resembles fine breadcrumbs (you can rub mixture together with your fingertips if you prefer). Add the egg and pulse until mixture comes together. You may need to add a little cold water.
Wrap the dough in clingfilm and place in the fridge for at least half an hour.
Preheat the oven to 180c. Grease a 23cm non-stick tart tin.
Take the pastry out of the fridge and roll out to the thickness of a pound coin. Carefully line the tin, patching any holes with spare pastry. Leave to rest for 15 minutes.
Line the tin with greaseproof paper and fill with baking beans (I use reuse a jar of dried chickpeas). Place in the oven and blind bake for 15 minutes. Remove greaseproof paper and bake for a further 5 minutes, or until the base is a light golden colour.
Remove from oven and turn temperature down to 160c

While pastry is blind baking place treacle, syrup, eggs, zest, salt and breadcrumbs in a large bowl. Mix well and leave to stand.
When pastry is ready carefully pour the filling into the tin and bake for about 30-40 minutes, until the top is set and golden.
Whisk the double cream until it forms soft peaks, stir through the zest and chill until needed.
Allow the tart to cool slightly before slicing and serving with the lemon cream.


The Belgrave, Leeds

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Easter saw our annual pilgrimage up North and, as always, there was no shortage of good eating. After Uncle Johns Good Friday fish feast was decided to jump on a bus into town the next day and check out the Belgrave Music Hall & Canteen for a few afternoon beverages.

A former assembly hall, the Belgrave, in Leeds' Northern Quarter, has reopened over three floors with a programme of arts and live music alongside some great beers and grub from several concessions throughout the venue. They also host a monthly Street Feast featuring a wide range of street food traders, an art market and live bands.

We made our selves comfy in one of the fron window sofas and kicked off with a couple of beers, a Five Points Hook Island Red for me and a Cascadian Black stout for the Ewing. There's a big choice of ales, stouts and lagers, including six casks, with a good local selection, several kegs, some Belgian bottles and plenty of American canned craft beer for the hop heads.

Slices of pizza, from Neapolitan pie slingers the Dough Boys, are displayed along tiled counter as you walk into the main seating area. There’s a few different types up for grabs, from the classic Silvio, tomato, buffalo mozzarella, smoked sea salt, torn basil to slightly more outré combos such as the Paul and Linda, with Artichoke, Sicilian olives, pimento, caper berries, smoked mozzarella, salsa verde. 

They also run an incredibly good offer through the afternoon that allows you to buy one slice, get one free. Clearly the Ewing and I weren’t shy of putting that to good use and ordered four slices for the bargainous sum of five quid. I doubt it’d be cheaper from Tesco.

Unlike supermarket pizzas, these beauties are crisp and charred underneath; with a nicely chewy crust. The toppings are also bob on, with the Baa No More - Middle Eastern spiced ground lamb, pecorino, baby red chard, pinenuts, and pomegranate; and  Screaming Goat - creamed goats cheese, roasted beetroot, caramelised walnuts, chervil leaves being standouts. I also enjoyed dosing my slices with an ungodly amount of Hot Bastard sauce.

Pizza and the first pint dispatched we ventured into the bowels of the ground floor, past the communal picnic benches and comfy window seats running along one side of the room, to find the small serving hatch at the back. From here patty Smith and Fu Schnickens serve up burgers and bao to the hungry masses. 

After initially being thwarted on trying to order some of the aforementioned Vietnamese buns we found out they were running a special brunch menu in honour of Record Store Day. Brioche baps stuffed full of all your breakfast favourites, and, for me, a pleasing absence of egg in most selections.

Beers and brunch burger in hand we ascended the many stairs to the roof terrace, a truly lovely spot with a variety of sheltered seating, communal tables, deckchairs and even sheds fitted with sofas to escape the inclement weather.

I went with the El patty, a fearsome mix of grilled chorizo, morcilla, spiced cherry tomato jam and hollandaise sauce topped with baby spinach and balanced on an, unadvertised, crispy homemade sausage patty. Ooof.

Perching on stalls with views across the chimney pots of Leeds I soon made short work of the brunch burger. One of the best things I have eaten this year, and I don’t say that lightly, this was a masterful creation where the combination of salty, fatty hot meat, sweet tomato and crisp spinach was crowned by a soothing blanket of exemplary hollandaise. First rate grub, and at a mer, superb value, too.

Feeling the need for some post-prandial relaxation, the Ewing bagged a spot of one of the shed sofas and kicked back asking on the decking, while I was dispatched down to the Laynes coffee concession to grab a couple of brews and some cakes.

Retuning with a 4oz espresso with steamed milk, a double espresso and a plate of cakes stood me in good stead with the wife, with her proclamations of joy as she ate her salted caramel brownie being right heard across the terrace. My lamington was equally joyous; a fluffy vanilla sponge coated in a thick chocolate ganache and coated in a dreft of coconut flakes. The Ewing, despite her supposed lamington aversion, seemed to have no problem helping me polish it off.

Laynes Espresso on Urbanspoon

Good food and beer, better company, friendly service and a laid back vibe lacking in too much hipsterishness, if there’s a better way to while away a sunny Saturday afternoon, I’ve yet to find it.

Shears Yard, Leeds

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Our lunchtime visit to Shears Yard was prompted by Marina O’Laughlin, the Guardian food critic, asking for Leeds recs on Twitter just before our latest visit. Top shout out was for Shears, from the people behind the perennially popular Arts Café, and so it was booked in the diary for our traditional post-Easter blow out. One last carb-fuelled hoorah before crawling back down the M1 for a diet of green vegetables (and the odd chocolate bunny).

We were also lucky enough to have the company of my Aunt and Uncle, who treated us for the Ewing’s birthday and took us for a customary whirl around the butcher's of Kirkgate Market, one of my favourite spots in town, before our meal.

The interior is fab; the entrance leading down into a cosy bar with comfy banquettes that runs into a bright, open, dining room, lit up thanks to the glass panels in the roof and ropes of lights that hang like sparkling spiders webs across the rafters. The exposed red bricks and blonde wood give a stripped back Scandi effect that is stylish but not austere.

The lunch menu has the usual burgers, sharing boards and ciabatta sandwiches, alongside a good value set, £14.50 for two courses, £17.50 for three. There's also a nicely put together wine list, decent beer selection with hand pulls, draught lagers and bottles, and a choice of cocktails including the rather potent sounding Dram-a in Guyana; a large measure of El Dorado aged rum with Tawny Port reduction, homemade cherry liqueur with cinnamon bark syrup and Creole Bitters stirred down and added to an Ardbeg 10 washed goblet.

Sadly the drive home meant I stuck with a half of Mary Jane from the Ilkley Brewery, a pale ale packed with Amarillo and Cascade hops, but weighing in at a perfectly quaffable 3.5%.

To start we shared a meat board with home cured duck ‘ham’, salted pork popcorn, ham hock & grain mustard terrine, sticky honey & lemon chicken wings, house chutney & granary bloomer. The terrine was particularly good, a sticky, porky number with the zing of wholegrain mustard. And while the wings were a little wan and not very sticky, they were still demolished in double quick time.

For our mains the Ewing and I both choses the Lobster, crayfish & mackerel burger with gem lettuce, heirloom tomato, lobster mayo & dill pickle. This was less ‘bouncy’ than I anticipated, imagining in my head something akin to a Thai fishcake, and the lobster and crayfish were rather out muscled by the oily fish, but overall it was nicely spiced and pleasingly punchy. A side of chips were decent enough, although the aioli alongside missed a garlicky bite.

My aunt’s barley risotto with leeks, parsley, goat’s cheese and roasted radishes was, to borrow a cliché, spring on a plate. It glowed a bright grassy green, punctuated with little pink and white blobs of cheese and radish, when bought to the table, and tasted equally as bright and fresh.

My Uncle chose the chicken with chorizo salsa and corn, also from the set menu. This, with its well cooked poultry, vermilion spiced sausage and glossy gravy, was an equally handsome plate that managed to turn a bog standard chicken breast into something I wanted to reach across the table and gobble up. Luckily I restrained myself enough to be content with a forkful.

Puddings were all sorted, the chocolate mousse for my Uncle and the Ewing and the roasted pineapple with banana and coriander sorbet for me (to share with the Ewing) but just as they were about to whip our menus away, I spotted it…

The mango and white chocolate bavarois, sherbet and chocolate lollipop, served with a Crème Egg Sorbet, the Ewing’s very favourite thing distilled into desert form. Of course, I had to order it and this, rather exciting, looking plate was soon in front of me. While the egg sorbet was nice, if unremarkable, and the parfait both rather cute and tasty, the sherbet was disastrously sweet, like straight icing sugar, while eating it left me feeling like Tony Montana in Scarface.

Malted chocolate mousse with salted popcorn brittle and a dark ale anglaise was another mixed bag. The mousse was dense and claggy but the ale custard was awesome; nutty, creamy and light. The shards of sweet and salty popcorn shrapnel were also rather good.

Shears Yard is a little gem in a rather drab Leeds dining scene; interesting menu, competent cooking, good service and a great venue, and proving that with some good grub, a lunchtime pint and the right company, it's anything but grim up North. I'm already looking forward to our next schlep up to Yorkshire.

Shears Yard on Urbanspoon

Kaffee und Kuchen

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Just as the Brits down tools for tea and cake at 4 o'clock, the Austrians hold dear their afternoon ritual of Kaffee und Kuchen. In fact, you can visit one of Vienna's magnificent coffee houses pretty much the whole clock around; from a breakfast of Viennoiseries and a melange, to afternoon piano recitals, to late night debates over a fiaker (coffee with a good dose of rum) or two.

The Viennese love of caffeine started when the invading Turks were chased from the city in 1673, reportedly leaving sacks of beans at the city gates. The first wave of coffee houses were opened in the wake of this discovery, and they quickly became places to think as well as drink; many of the venues can list an illustrious list of writers, philosophers, actors and musicians amongst their past and present clientele, and it is still quite acceptable to while away a whole afternoon over a kleiner brauner and a paper attached to a wooden stick.

Our first experience of this treasured ritual was a late night coffee at Cafe Hawelka, just off Stephansplatz. Despite being found in the touristy Inner Stadt, the Cafe has retained its Bohemian charm; being a former meeting place for Henry and Arthur Miller, Warhol and the Fantastic Realist school of Viennese painting after the war. 

Inside is dark and cosy and perfectly preserved against the ravages of the Modern World outside. The walls are thickly papered with a patchwork of art posters, nicotine stained lace curtains hang at the window, and dark red velvet drapes cover the doors and coffee is sipped at chipped marble tables while sat on comfy battered armchairs. 

It helps to have a smattering of schoolboy German if drinking here, as there is no menu and the few options available are chalked up on a small blackboard, but the real reason we visited, as it seems do most the other clientele, is to sample their famed butchteln, or plum jam filled Bavarian yeast balls.

These were originally cooked each evening by founder Leonard Hawelka's wife, Josefine, and the tradition continues today where they are available in the Cafe after 10 o'clock.

They are worth the trip; hot from the kitchen; each Butcheln is puffy and light, cradling its tangy jam filling and finished off with a dusting of icing sugar. They may be one of the best things I ate during our whole visit.

Alongside we drank a melange, Austria's answer to the cappuccino, and an Einspanner, or double espresso in a glass that is sipped through a raft of cold whipped cream which kept my heart racing long into the early hours of Sunday morning. 

At 18 Euros, this is hardly a cheap snack, but if I lived here I could think of nothing better than to return each evening to debate, contemplate, soak up a sense of history and, most of all, to get powdered sugar all over my chin.

A stunningly sunny Sunday morning sees us hitting Cafe Dreschler for a spot of breakfast. Recently redesigned by Terrance Conran this is is of the Town's funkiest joints and also keeps the longest hours - closing for just one hour a day for cleaning - making it a perfect stop for both night owls and early risers.

We managed to get a coveted spot on the pavement, overlooking the Naschmarkt, until I remember I don't really like the sun, have forgotten to bring a hat and have neglected to put on any suncream....

The Ewing soon came to the rescue with her Ambre Solaire and a scarf, which I artfully draped across my head, a la Lawrence of Arabia, much to the delight of the two small boys eating breakfast inside, who kept looking out and dissolving into fits of giggles.

Although ovum remain my nemesis, even I had to concede the Ewing's eggs and ham were pretty picture perfect. Crispy slices of meat, runny yolks with nutty rye bread for dipping, and the obligatory smattering of chives made this a winning start to the day.

 
I started with ham and fresh horseradish on a buttered roll with pickles and tomato. The perfect continental assemblage with a nice, sinus-clearing, boost from the grated root sprinkled on top. 

To follow was a sugar encrusted kipferl. The kipferl being a plainer ancestor of the more famous croissant - the latter was purportedly invented by an Austrian in Paris, hence Viennoiseries or 'things of Vienna'. Like a crescent-shaped brioche it was buttery, light and rather good, especially when dunked into my kleiner brauner (small black coffee with  a little jug of cream on the side).

For anyone who isn't a mad dog or Englishman, the interior is classy and cool with a long marble bar and comfy round leather booths. In the evenings, rather than the traditional polite piano recitals, DJs often play, making this one of the liveliest spots in the City for a coffee, the goulash is also reportedly rather good.

A few hours later, after a visit to the Secession and a trip up the Stephansdom to build up an appetite, we were ready for another cake stop. This time our destination is Cafe Sacher, home of the Original eponymous chocolate cake (or perhaps it's Cafe Demel, with whom Eduard Sacher also worked at while in Vienna, and who's torte carry the Eduard-Sacher-Tort insignia).

Either which way, I wasn't too excited about the prospect of my cake - but, of course, wanting to try it anyway - not being a huge apricot jam fan and finding the Sachertorte I've tried previously managing to combine both too dry sponge and too sweet icing.


The torte turned out rather pleasant surprise. The cake being dense but moist with it's zingy fruit layer and gooey chocolate icing, which wasn't quite bitter enough but looked flawlessly glossy in the afternoon sunshine, topped with its distinctive chocolate roundels.

Alongside we ordered two fiaker coffees, named after the horse-pulled carriages on the streets of Vienna. Usually these comprise of an Einspanner with a glass of rum, but here at Sacher you get a grosser Schwartzer (large black coffee) with a flute of kirsch (cherry brandy). Just enough caffeine and booze to propel us to the nearby Stadpark to enjoy couple of cold beer chasers on the grass before dinner.

We woke the following morning, again, to unbroken blue skies; the perfect weather to enjoy the splendours of the Schonbrunn Palace, or at least it would be if you didn't wilt in anything above 18c, like this lobster-hued Gaelic-gened English girl.

After walking up to the Gloriette - formally usued as Franz Joseph's breakfast room - for a picnic lunch by the water while looking down across the Viennese skyline, we walked back down to take a tour of the great Palace itself. 

With 1,441 rooms, and the Ewing's inglorious track record at taking an age to walk around every museum and gallery we visit, I doubted we get out before nightfall. Thankfully the inside has been divided into more manageable chunks, and while the Ewing still dawdled far behind everyone else, we managed to see all the important bits - including the mirrored room Mozart first played in - and get out in time for coffee and pastries


Our destination, found to the the front of the palace, is Cafe Residenz, whose cellars house the Imperial Bakery. Here you can watch the hourly 'strudel show', where the newspaper thin pastry is rolled and stuffed by hand, before getting to sample  slices of the freshly baked desert straight from the oven.

On such a sweltering day the idea of being stuck underground, near an industrial bread oven, were less than appealing, and so we elected to sit out in the gardens behind the cafe to enjoy our melange and a piece of the famed pastry.

Strudel, pardon the phrase, really is one of my favourite things. I remember my Mum making it for her famed dinner parties back in the 80s - where everyone ate half raw lamb, crunchy green beans and pungent French cheese (and pretended to like it) all washed down with huge amounts of red wine and brandy. Pudding was always profiteroles, lemon posset, or, my absolute favourite, apple strudel, rich with cinnamon and wrapped in crispy filo pastry. If I was lucky, a piece would be waiting for me in the fridge the next morning, but sadly I haven't had it for many years.

Here, it didn't disappoint. While not much like my Mother's, which was crisper and thinner, this was pretty exemplary. Piles of thinly sliced apples layered with buttery, cinnamon-spiked breadcrumbs and all encased in crisp on top, slightly soggy underneath pastry (my favourite).

Thankfully the tradition of good cake and coffee has made it down the Danube, too and Budapest's Cafe Gerbaud, an imposing Gründerzeit building dating back to 1870, remains one of Mittleeuropa's most famous coffeehouses. Specialising in range of hand made ice creams, cakes and pastries, and just a five minute walk from our apartment, we headed straight there for an afternoon pick-me-up after arriving on the train from Vienna.

Dobos Sundae, based on the famous Hungarian Dobos Torte, a layered sponge cake filled with buttercream and topped with  caramel. This featured scoops of their own Dobos cake, 2 scoops chocolate and vanilla ice cream, vanilla foam, caramel wafers, whipped cream, popping candy and crowned with a full sized chocolate macaron.

This was as close to frozen desert perfection as I could have hoped. With cake, ice cream, chocolate and cream involved, it would be pretty hard to go wrong, but it exceeded the sum of its parts and I alternated between mouthfuls of this and sips of my glass of cold rose, until my sugar levels teetered on the precipice of a diabetic coma. Luckily I had the Ewing to help me finish the last remnants in the glass, I was so stuffed I even let her eat my macaron.

The Ewing also had her own, majestic, Gerbeaud Sundae to contend with - layers of walnut sponge with chocolate, walnut and apricot ice-creams, apricot foam, chocolate sauce, crispy walnut linzer cookie, whipped cream and crowned with a mini slice of Gerbeaud cake. 

I'm not usually the biggest fan of apricot, but here the stone fruit added a sharp edge which went very nicely with the bitter walnuts and dark chocolate. Needless to say the Ewing was in her element.

They also do a takeaway cake service - 50% off if you order more than two slices - including the rather intriguing 'Salty-Peanuts Apricot' and a Marzipan and Bailey’s Bavarois, and there's a ice cream stand, for cup and and cones on the go, just to the right of the cafe.

'Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me.'
 - Audrey Hepburn

These Are a Few of My Favourite Things

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Our recent trip to Vienna gave us more than just the chance to drink lots of coffee and eat lots of cake - although we managed plenty of that, too - it was also the perfect opportunity to indulge in the local cuisine and sample plenty of pork, beef, cheese and local wines. As they say, it's a hard job, but someone's got to do it.

First up was the humble wurst, possibly the most democratic meat product in Vienna. The clientele of the city’s famous wurstelstands featuring everyone from opera goers, to drunken stags plus a few bewildered tourists for good measure.

The most famous stand, Bitzinger in Albertina Platz, was our first stop on the trip. If you’re having trouble finding it look for the luminous pink rabbit on the stand’s roof and the perennial queue snaking along the pavement. The position, just behind the Stadtoper, means the upper escahlons of society are often found gathered around in their black tie, with a frankfurter or two and champagne in hand after the evening’s performance.  

From my handy sausage guide, printed out before we came, we were able to order an couple of different tube steaks, plus two beers and manage to assist the English couple behind us who managed to be even less proficient than us with their Deutsch skills.

Straight out the hatch were a couple of icy beers, the first, and therefore the sweetest, of the trip. We also had a brace of frankfurters, served with plenty of punchy senf (mustard) and a big pile of freshly grated, eye-watering, kren (horseradish). 

Next was the highlight of our haul; Austria’s beloved kasekrainer or ‘pus stick’. While it may sound anything less than appetising this cheese studded sausage - hence the gory name – was delicious, featuring smoky, juicy meat and a sprightly snap to the skin. Alongside came dark rye bread, although carb lovers could have their snags stuffed in thick bread rolls, impaled on a spike first to make room for the sausage.

A few days later, after a cultured night at the Volksoper to watch Der Fledermaus, I had the opportunity to try one for myself at the Euro Platz Wurstelstand; a neon kiosk outside the Westbanhof Station that churns out hot sausages and cold bier long into the early hours.

Again I had the Kasekrainer, this time in a hot dog with ketchup and senf, and again it was masterful. Holding a large sausage that was spurting hot cheese felt faintly comical and rather rude, but didn't stop me demolishing every pissed mouthful while leaning over a bin to catch the errant drips of sauce; a very classy sight to behold. 

Pluchatta, a small chain of Viennese restaurants famed for their beef, was our destination for an alternative Sunday dinner. Here they serve the classic Tafelspitz - made from the standing round, or top rump – but also a variety of other cuts including aitchbone, shoulder, hind leg, ribs, tongue and calf's head.

Tafelspitz, literally meaning (beef) tip for the table, is a meal of boiled beef in broth, traditionally considered to be the national dish of Austria and a firm favourite of Franz Joseph I.

We ordered a portion of tafelspitz for two alongside a bottle of crisp Grüner Veltliner from their own vineyards. I'm a big fan of the 'green' wine, and while it may not seem like the classic choice for a beef dish, the notes of white pepper and spice paired very well with the delicate meat, which has a far less domineering presence than roasted or grilled beef.

First up was the broth; a bowlful of the most sublime stock and vegetables, ladled straight from the copper Tafelspitz pan and served with a choice of dumplings, noodles or, as we had, pancake strips. Hands down the best soup I have had for a long time, and served in a generous enough portion that I made it to three bowls before downing spoons to move onto the main event.

The meat, defying my expectations, was tender and full flavoured instead of the dried out sisal carpet I had feared. The veg cooked in the broth were sweet and retained a little bite, while the accompanying jug of apple with horseradish perked everything up and the creamy chive sauce calmed it all down again.

Beef marrowbones were attacked and the wobbly jelly smeared on rounds of toast before being liberally salted, and if that wasn't enough heart-stopping deliciousness, a mini copper pan of crisp potato rosti crowned the beefy blowout.

It wasn't an exaggeration to say I was stuffed. So much so I stopped mid-forkful, almost unheard of, and admitted defeat and sadly leaving behind those last scraps of crispy tuber and smears of allium-spiked sauce that comprise of some of the best mouthfuls. 

The stairs down to the loos are covered in pictures of the various slebs who visited over the years, and the Ewing took great delight at identifying them, while marveling at the variety of chunky knitwear on display. It would seem most guests had visited in the depths of mid-winter, or were very hot.

Monday saw us taking a stroll through the Stadtpark, on route to brunch at Meirei.  Meirei - dairy in German, so named as it occupies a former dairy site - is the less formal café/restaurant found below Vienna’s Michelin starred Steirereck.

Despite the posh venue, the service was probably the most indifferent and least polished of our whole trip. While our greeting was rather gruff the waiters were friendly, but, despite having so many of them, two dishes were forgotten and attention was lax. Thankfully the food more than made up for it, and proved good value, too

The place is, unsurprisingly, known for its dairy products; the faint hum of cheese is unmistakable as you walk in, past the loo doors covered in with a painted Gorgonzola mural, and past the cabinets groaning with a huge variety of  Käse to get to the seating area below.

Many of the tables face out to the Stadtpark, a rather lovely view that on this weekday morning had the added entertainment of seeing local schoolchildren on their cross country run. ‘Oh look, that’s you.’ Commented the Ewing as one puce-faced straggler ambled past, and I couldn't disagree with her. Luckily the days of jogging to the woods for a fag and returning an hour later smelling of Polo mints are over and I happily stretched out in the sunshine to enjoy my first melange of the day.

Coffee drank we moved on the main event. Meirei offers a range of breakfast sets, of which dishes can be ordered separately, alongside an al la carte menu. The Ewing had the Meirei set, while I had the marinated salmon, the kugelhopf (which never materialised, but I later notice we had been charged for) and an Austrian cheese assortment.

My marinated salmon was vast; I had, rather greedily, requested the large portion fearing Michelin equals minute, but the best part of a whole fish tuned up on my plate. It was delicate and lovely, fresh with spring herbs and served alongside slices of crisp, toasted rye bread for a textual contrast.

The cheese platter was, again, hugely generous and came with some very handy names and descriptions, a neat touch, if it was all in German. The waitress informed me to eat clockwise, from 6 o’clock, to start with the mildest and work up to the most pungent. 

Favourites were the soft goat, which married well with a little fruit compote when spread on the rye bread, and the strongest cheese, which had the beginnings of blue mould and a pleasing metallic flavour. As well as the Austrian select, you can order plates of Tyrolean cheese, French and German cheeses or just a cheese 'surprise’. You are also welcome to go to the counter and pick your own from the vast selection.


The Meirei set came on a tiered stand and started with Marion’s (fabulous) granola with yoghurt, kaffir lime and blackcurrant. Then there was a fluffy omelette stuffed with three cheeses, and a further plate of three Austrian cheeses, different to mine and feature a lovely, slightly ‘fizzy’ Emmenthal style hard cheese. 

After stopping to loosen a few buttons there came a heap of the marinated salmon, this time served with a delicate cylinder of milk jelly stuffed with a herb cream. Finally was a cheese strudel, more like a baked pudding, with musky elderberry compote alongside. They say breakfast sets you up for the day, but good luck to anyone trying to get much done after a breakfast of those proportions.

For ‘pudding’ I went back to the milk menu and ordered the warm milk with a frozen bitter chocolate pop, flavoured with ginger. This, when stirred into the warm liquid, made a wonderfully spicy rich drink and provided a rather nice piece of theatre; the Ewing got to lick the lolly stick, so she was quite happy, too.

What would a trip to Vienna be without a Wiener Schnitzel, although here they are mostly served with potato salad and Kopfsalat (lettuce with a sweet vinaigrette) rather than the noodles in Maria Rainer's famous song.

The most famous schnitzel in town is served at Figlmueller, with the original Wollzeile branch being opened behind St Stephan's Cathedral in 1905. Here the only schnitzel available is pork, not the authentic veal, although veal is available from their bigger Backerstrasse branch, where we had our late dinner reservation.

While there are other Austrian biesl classics available on the menu, the fried breaded meat is the real draw. The pork schnitzel is cut from the tenderloin and batted out until wafer thin. From here it is covered in flour and egg before being dredge in 'imperial' breadcrumbs made from Austrian emperor rolls before the giant schnitzels are pan, never deep, fried, in three pans of various temperature oils - hottest first to crisp the outside, then at two lower temperatures to finish cooking the meat. Serious stuff.

We ordered one of both the pork and the veal to share along with a bottle of their Grüner Veltliner, again from their own vineyards on the edge of the city. The Figlmueller schnitzel was as impressively huge as they had promised, the edges falling over the sides of the full sized dinner plate. The veal came as two, slightly more modest, cutlets but was still a vast portion of fried meat to contend with. Sides were a house potato salad and green salad with pumpkin oil to share. Both salads came, rather strangely, heaped up on top of each other in the same bowl, but tasted pretty good nevertheless. 

Again, as with the Tafelspitz, this failed to confound my expectations. Instead of ropy meat and soggy breadcrumbs came an ethereally light dish of succulent porkiness with a crisp exterior and soft and juicy within. The veal had more flavour, but a slightly tougher chew, which the Ewing preferred, while I liked the pork. I say take a friend and order both.

Afterwards, the waiters who were serving us and who were quite the characters, suggested a glass of apricot schnapps ‘to help digestion’. Feeling this was rather sage advice after a surfeit of fried protein we ordered a couple of glasses. I’m not sure it helped with the packing later that evening, but it certainly went down well, so much so we bought a bottle the following day for our trip to Hungary.

While chomping our way through all the Austrian classics was all very well and good, we still made plenty of time for my favourite foodie haunt when abroad; the supermarket.

The supermarkets in Vienna were pretty good, especially the Merkure at Europlatz with its deli counter laden with glossy pretzel rolls and alpine meats and cheeses. One big surprise, however, was the Supermarket U3 in the Westbanhof Metro station, between lines U6 and U3



The first time we went in was late on a Saturday evening, munchies hour. The place was packed and almost everyone in there was clutching handfuls of crisps and chocolate and cola, squinting under strip-lighting. With barely a millimetre to squeeze by the slaw-jawed clientele, I at first dismissed it as an overpriced and claustrophobic commuter trap. It was only as I started to notice the sheer variety of produce on display that I realised whey this Aladdin’s cave was so popular.

There were ketchup and mayo flavoured potato sticks, Screamin’ Dill Pickle Pringles, paprika biscuits shaped like kangaroos, enough dried fruit and nuts to fuel a trip up Everest and those joyous peanut flavoured corn puffs you only ever see on holiday. Going further down there was shelves of soda, juices and beers and every variety of Almueddler, the famous Alpine soft drink, which surely also wins the campest can award.


There’s a whole section dedicated to American imports including Capt’n crunch, Goobers peanut butter, Cheez Balls and Betty Crocker cake batter; and a huge section of native chocolates, from Mozartwurflen – marzipan and nougat stuffed chocolate balls - to Manner cream wafers, the famous hazelnut snack still made in Vienna, to chocolate covered bananas and coconut rum balls. Everything you never thought you needed and more.

My favourite section was the gummi sweets; rows of Haribo and Trolli candies shaped as everything from Smurfs and pandas to worms and dummies. The Haribo here are made in Germany, and have the stiffer chew I’m partial to. Other people may not be as nerdish in their chewy sweet devotion, but there are plenty of varieties unavailable in the UK - strawberry Primavera, lemon Happy Cola, soft Goldbären and cola sticks among others – to keep sweet geeks happy.

Needless to say it became our favourite place to stop on a night out, usually to grab a few cans of Ottkringer Helles beer (thoughtfully in their 3 for 2) and a bag or two of spicy potato puffs for me and chocolate truffles for the Ewing, alongside bottles of local apricot juice and cartons of chocolate milk for the morning after. 

It might seem strange, and rather sad, to recommend this as a foodie highlight in a city full of great culinary tradition, but if you're the kind of person that marvels at the sheer variety of pretzel shapes or types of spicy cheese spread there are in this world, you could do a lot worse than pop in and itch that random Pop Tart craving at one o'clock in the morning (yes, they are open 24 hours) if you’re passing by.

Hungry in Hungary

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The cuisine of Mittleeuropa is right up my strasse (or, more properly, Utca, in Hungarian). Boiled pig, fried pig, cured pig and pig fat abound in every dish. There are cream cakes and pancakes and dumplings and cabbage. Quite honestly, what’s not to like?

For some the idea of Hungarian food still might all be huge, artless piles of Goulash, paprikash and potatoes, made to sustain the workers and keep out the cold. And while there are still plenty of options for decent, no nonsense traditional food, the Budapest dining scene has exploded in recent years to feature Michelin Stars, multiple cuisines and a reinvention of the staid and stodgy dishes of old.

The morning of our first full day in town was spent watching the May Day fly past over the Danube from our balcony. The Elizabeth bridge was closed to traffic and the crowds swarmed forth to watch a magnificent display of planes and helicopters that filled the air with thick vapour clouds and the sound of cheering.

The afternoon saw us take a visit to the Great Park, on the city’s edge, where a huge fair with rides, games, live music, street entertainers, political stalls (May Day is the day of the workers), a market, and plenty of food and drink vendors had been set up. The atmosphere was hectic,but wonderful; I can’t remember going to such a busy, happy and democratic event for a long time. 


Mindful we had to be back, and relatively sober, to meet Stealth from the airport, we enjoyed a dark craft ale (at a quid or so a pint) and some homemade lemonade before buying some traditional Hungarian pastries and cakes for later. A trio of Perec, or pretzels, covered in melted cheese; three slices of Retes, a Hungarian strudel, stuffed with a various fillings of cream cheese, poppy seeds and cherry; and the piece de resistance, a cinnamon and sugar coated Kürtőskalács, or chimney cake.

These hollow cakes are a Transylvanian specialty, traditionally cooked over charcoal fires on rotating spits, and I carefully cradled my all the way home on the busy underground to eat for breakfast over the following days.

Central Market - Budapest's oldest and largest market hall, found at the foot of the Liberty Bridge - is a must see, and we walked the few blocks from our apartment the following morning for breakfast and a browse. Top of my list to try was the famous Langos, available from the stalls on the second floor. We also chose a handful of other hot dishes and pickles to complete our stand up buffet feast.

The langos - discs of deep fried dough topped traditionally with sour cream, garlic oil and cheese, but also available with a variety of other toppings – was immense. It might not be too much of a stretch of the imagination to think such a combination would be delicious, but this was lighter and crisper than I imagined and managed to combine the trinity of salty fatty and crisp perfectly.

Alongside we had Töltött Káposzta, rolls of stuffed cabbage filled with rice, pork and chopped veg, and a plate of fried potatoes studded with slice s of spicy Hungarian sausage and, to cut through the richness, a plate of salty pickled cucumbers and green peppers. We drank espresso, but there’s also draught beer and shots of palinka available to fuel you through the rest of the morning.

While the rest of the second floor is rather touristy – given over to keyrings, scarves and knick knacks including Rubik’s Cubes and the like - the ground floor of the market is full of stalls selling fresh produce. Here we bought bundles of both white and green asparagus alongside grapes, garlic and tinned paprika.

By far the best bit for me were the meats; rows and rows of suspended salamis and sausages; great trays of pork scratchings, scooped into paper bags with little metal shovels; tins of preserved goose liver and blocks of glistening cured pig fat.


Just as the choice was threatening to overwhelm us, a rather enthusiastic butcher spotted the Ewing looking curiously into the chilled cabinet and proceeded to point at his wares while making animal impressions complete with corresponding noises, so we would know what was in each sausage.

With all that effort, and entertainment, how we could not be tempted, and we came away with salamis and sausages made with goose, horse and spicy Mangalitza pig (more of that curly-haired beast later) to go alongside the Alpenkase (alpine cheese) sausage I had picked up in Vienna.

Seeking shelter from a thunderstorm after a visit to the marvellous, if rather sobering, House of Terror, we found the rather promising sign above. Following the arrow, we found ourselves in the Czech Inn, and while we may have taken a slight swerve to the North East of Central Europe, we soon discovered they were fellow lovers of porcine products and fortified alcohol and got ourselves comfy for an afternoon session.


To drink we sampled each of the trio of beers on tap; a traditional Czech Pilsner; a lighter, fruitier wheat beer; and a smooth and tannic dark ale. Served alongside was a generous plate of bar snacks, all deriving from the aforementioned Mangalitza pig. These included pork scratchings on steriods; cured lardons of belly; a spicy paprika-flecked salami; and the piece de resistance, a tea cup full of lard. The meat feast was crowned with a dusting of raw red onion, a dish of salt and a basket of crusty bread. Heart-stoppingly brilliant.

To fortify ourselves a trio of flavoured palinka brandies were ordered - pear, apricot and plum - an enjoyable, if by this point not entirely necessary finale, that left the Ewing feeling rather green on our return to the apartment - and later lead to her composing a drunken ditty revolving around the lines; 'woolly piggy, wolly piggy. Made me sicky'.

We couldn't visit Budapest without sampling some the famed Hungarian rib-stickers. A wander around the streets one evening lead us to a little cafe/restaurant down a side street were we sat outside and I had a rather good, if not particularly photogenic, plate of beef goulash topped with fried parsley and served with bouncy little fresh dumplings - rather like the Germanic Spatzle.

Stealth and the Ewing settled their stomachs with chicken noodle and beef goulash soups, respectively. At about two quid a bowl for these, there were few complaints.

We also enjoyed an early Saturday night dinner at Cafe Kor, a perennially popular bistro by St. Stephen's Basilica, in the heart of the trendy 5th District. Here Stealth further indulged her love for goulash, with their, very fine, red wine-spiked version that came served with homemade potato croquettes that resembled Oven Crunchies on steroids.

I had a dish of roasted veal, served with a sour cream-spiked sauce that wasn't too dissimilar to tomato soup and none the worse for it. More ballast was provided in the form of a duo of bread dumplings that - although I was still digesting them days later - appealed to my love of good old stodge.

The Ewing's plate featured a little hint of greenery in the form of a dressed salad, but was mostly dominated by a huge tranche of pike perch, doused in a garlic sauce and balanced mountain of fried potatoes.

To finish we shared two of Hungary's most famous deserts, Gundel pancakes stuffed with walnuts and raisins - a possibly a mystery herb/spice which Stealth became obsessed with identifying, but to no avail - and topped with a flood of chocolate sauce, and Somlói spongecake, balls of rum soaked cake served with whipped cream and more of the bitter chocolate sauce.

Quite honestly, how could anything with cream, cake and chocolate ever be wrong, even after the unashamed gluttony of our previous course; although, Stealth did comment, as we were looking back through the photos after our trip; 'no wonder we all felt so bloated all week'. Certainly no one complained of feeling peckish later that evening.

While Budapest isn’t the bargain basement destination it once was, you can still find yourselves a steal. One thing they excel at is a boozy Sunday brunch, which coincided nicely with the Ewing’s birthday. I had booked us in at Le Bourbon, at Le Meriden, after hearing reports that the pastries were the best in town, although it turned out the other choices weren't too shabby either.

Being set loose on the various tables groaning with grub soon saw us take some contrasting approaches; Stealth racing straight for the soups and grill, the Ewing sticking mainly with the cold starter selection and me making sure to try some of everything, lest I should miss out.

The cold appetizers may have been my favourite part; fresh baskets of bread and pastries, piles of ham, terrines, pate, pastas and salads, including a faux lobster number that others spurned but I loved enough to go back for second (and third) helpings.

While the hot food, in its lidded metal dishes and featuring delights such as salmon with grapefruit and chicken ‘curry’, may have looked like something straight from the 70’s but was surprisingly tasty. Stealth proclaimed the dill pickle-spiked Stroganoff, not a patch on her mother's version, although I really enjoyed it (although I cunningly contrived to get the maximum amount of tail fillet in my portion).

There is also a carvery of roast meats, with big joints of beef and turkey carved to order and served with a variety of veg and sauces; and a grill station, from which we enjoyed a selection of steaks, kebabs and mushrooms freshly cooked to order.

Finally we staggered on to pudding, both Stealth and the Ewing’s highlight of the afternoon. The choice,as with the rest of the food, was superlative with a pyramid of macrons, fresh fruit salads and mini cakes and pastries to choose from. There were also glorious éclairs’, decorated with caramel and chocolate and flavoured with different types of crème patisserie, and a chocolate cake that was only available from the menu - although still part of the buffet – which of course we had to order for the birthday girl.

There was even a pancake stand from which you can create made to order deserts from a Wonka-esque choice of fillings. The poppy seed and walnut I chose went very nicely with a scoop of the rum soaked bowls of fruit on the desert table.

The atrium, with its stained glass ceiling and glittery chandeliers, is a lovely space to spend a chilled out Sunday afternoon, helped by unlimited ‘Hungaria’, a surprisingly quaffable local sparkling wine, offered alongside red and white, juices, tea and coffee, and all for about £20. And while my companions may have mocked the jazz piano player in the corner, I rather enjoyed hearing a little bit of Phil Collins.


One of the best quirks of the Budapest bar scene is the concept of the ruin pub. These ramshackle bars were originally set up in the Jewish Quarter, providing cheap places for young locals to meet and drink, but have now sprung up all over town. As their name suggests, they are mostly housed in previously dilapidated buildings and have a ramshackle and unique charm, along with very cheap beer. 
A walk around the Jewish Quarter will unearth a myriad of drinking choices, and while we stopped at a few, and all were good, Ellátó Kert was probably my pick of the bunch. An endearingly ramshackle outfit, with a great garden decked out with fairy lights - de rigueur for most of the bars we saw - and featuring DJs later in the evening, a selection of Mexican food and comprehensive cocktail list, 

We enjoyed a variety of tacos stuffed with pork al pastor, chicken tinga and grilled mushrooms and served with a variety of hot tomato salsas, soured cream and guacamole. While not groundbreaking they were tasty and cheap and pretty perfect at soaking up the mojitos and the pints of elderflower beer

While the ruin pubs were charmingly spit and sawdust with their mismatched and laid back approach, we did dust down our glad rags and find time for a few classy birthday cocktails at Spoon, a restaurant/bar found on a boat moored on the Danube.

While there might not be anything particularly compelling about the place on its own, location wise it's in a prime spot. There aren't many better places to sit and watch the rays reflect on the water, as the last of the sun slips behind the Buda Castle.

To drink we chose a range of crowd-pleasing cocktails, known endearingly, thanks to her sweet tooth, as 'cheap sugary-shit' by Stealth. Despite their fluffy appearance they packed a hefty alcoholic punch and a couple of lychee martinis later saw us staggering back along the river shore.


Our final day saw a long and blister-filled visit to the Ewing's grandmother's birth place, followed by a schlep to the momentous Monument Park, were we spent a hour or two posing by the Communist statues while merrily trying not to kill each other.

The evening's entertainment was far more relaxed, with a table booked for a last supper at the Pest branch of the Bock Bisztro, a cosy and fab little spot serving a menu of modern Hungarian food that combines hearty with invention, and with a comprehensive and predominately local wine list, too.

Starters were forgone to ensure we'd be able to buckle upon the plane home the next day, although our waiter bought a pot of Mangalitza lard studded with pieces of pork crackling, lest we wasted away before our mains. And while the Ewing may have looked a little green at the gills when it first appeared, she was soon slathering swathes of the pig fat onto the crispy bread along with the rest of us.

The chicken paprikash was a perfectly judged piece of sous vide poultry, served with a sweet and smoky sauce and a brilliantly fiery slice of fresh Hungarian pepper. On the side were a deuce of ethereal cream cheese dumplings, topped with sour cream and crispy bacon pieces.

The Ewing chose the stuffed rabbit saddle with razor clams, a beautiful spring dish with perfectly cooked bunny amid a puddle of sweet pea sauce. On the side were a duo of razor clams and a vegetable dish of mashed potato-filled leek halves, cunningly presented to look like the pair of bivalves.

Stealth took on the Bock burger, a behemoth with both a nicely rare grilled beef patty topped with a further puck of shredded and breaded meat (duck?) and char grilled peppers and onions.

Side orders of home made pickles from the barrel and a cucumber and soured cream salad didn't materialise, but I'm not sure we really missed them.

To finish Stealth and I shared a trio of 'bizarre' ice creams, a selection featuring tobacco, smoked paprika and bacon. The tobacco had that plleasant 'tickly' flavour, much like tobacco infused chocolate, while the bacon paired a sweet and salty cured pork and caramel sauce over a ball of good old vanilla. Mist curious of all was the smoke pepper, which was sorbet-like, and strangely sweet and refreshing.

The Ewing chose the chocolate mousse, with bitter cherries and sponge cake, and all accompanied by a serenade from the accordion played positioned behind us -  thus creating one of my favourite photos from the trip. A suitably rousing finale for three stuffed, happy (and rather drunk) ladies.

London Loves

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When I was young (very) occasionally I would visit Wycombe's resident meat market, the legendary Club Eden. Every town has one - the sticky-floored cesspit serving lurid alcopops and pints of gassy lager, where bouncers with thick necks the colour of corned beef give everyone the slow look up-and-down, from their Ben Sherman shirts down to their school shoes (no sportswear or trainers allowed, lest they lower the tone) before allowing them into the inner sanctum or condemning them to the last bus home.

It's been so long since those dark days that I'd almost forgotten quite how it felt to be scrutinized and looked over at the door, but I recently had the dubious pleasure of being reminded of such ignominy on our trip to the Shard with the Oz-based Princess Em and Robbie G. 

Looking forward to treating them to some booze with views, we approached the threshold as a clean cut and charming bunch of thirty somethings, all suitably dressed - Stealth had even cracked out her tuxedo jacket - until the first hint that all was not well as we attempted to gain entrance to the building. 'I'm not sure they will let you in' was the lady at receptions greeting to Robbie G - apparently the suede and canvas boots he was wearing were perilously 'trainer like'.  

Running the risk and proceeding up in the lift to the Aqua Shard bar I saw, for the first time in fifteen or so years, the full-up-and-down sneer in action as we approached the doorman. Even now the exaggerated head flick as he eyed us all suspiciously makes me both chortle with amusement and bubble with indignation.

Feeling like naughty school children, we were finally admitted and lead downstairs to the bar area, but not before my backpack has been pretty much wrenched from my back and stuffed into the cloakroom on the way past. Here we waited in wonder for our next staff encounter might hold, until we realised that no one was remotely interested in us now we were inside, leaving the Ewing and I to go up and attempt to order at the bar ourselves.

After a bit of a wait the cocktails, from three lists based on the English staples tea and gin, or from the Shard 'classics', were so so. Stealth and Robbie G's looked the part with their fancy fruit garnishes - although a good glug of Stealth's was spilt across the table by the waiter before she had the chance to try it - while the Ewing enjoyed her savoury Hot Tommy with tequila, watercress, chilli and lime.

Princess Emily's bloody mary, however - ordered spicy with just a little ice, but arriving with enough to sink the Titanic - was so unpalatably sweet she returned to the bar to ask for a top up of tomato juice. A fresh cocktail was offered, the new bar tender who sampled it didn't seem too impressed either, but refused as I'm not sure any of us relished the thought of hanging around there for much longer. 

Luckily our ardour for the rest of the day's Big Smoke-based debauchery wasn't diminished by our trip up the tower - rather to the contrary, the our whole experience on the 32nd floor gave us all something to dissect in wonder through the rest of the day. It was rather a shame though, that, unlike the cocktails, the service left a somewhat sour taste. 

Aqua Shard on Urbanspoon
Next stop was the Tower Bridge branch of the Draft House to slake our thirst. Previously written about on the blog here, and a still a very nice place for a pint in this neck of the woods. Despite being renowned for a huge range of craft beer and ale - including from the Kernal, which you can pretty much see from their door - I have scant recollection of what we drank - other than it was plentiful.

I do know I had something ferociously hoppy to start, followed by a half of their guest ale, rather a steal for these parts at £2.90 a pint. We also had a selection of snacks; their fabulous foot long scratchings; a 'boat' of southern fried wings served with Frank's Red Hot sauce for dipping; and their celebrated scotch egg with curry mayo which, even as a known egg hater, was too pretty not to get a snap of.

The Draft House Pub on Urbanspoon

The next stop, along Wapping High Street, was the Town of Ramsgate, so named for the fishermen from The Isle of Thanet who’d land their catches on the wharf outside. Reputedly the oldest pub on the Thames, the original hostelry was probably opened during the War of the Roses, in the 1460s, although the present building dates to 1758.

Shoehorned into a thin strip between Oliver’s Wharf and Wapping Old Stairs, the small terraced garden backs on to the water and at low tide you can still see the post that condemned pirates were chained to as the river rose.  Luckily we had Stealth, our able tour guide, who gave us a brief potted history as we sat outside and enjoyed a pint of Ghost Ship, probably quite appropriate tipple for these parts.


This is an old-fashioned proper boozer, oozing history from its rickety timbers and, thankfully as yet, untouched by the hand of sterile commercialism. There is a menu of pub classics, served in hefty portions – fish and chips, ham and eggs, steak and kidney pud and spotted dick- and weekday lunches are available on a buy one get one for a pound deal, making it a perfect refuelling stop for those on a river walk (or pub crawl). There's even a resident cat, which had no chance of getting past the Ewing...

Town of Ramsgate on Urbanspoon
We had room for one more port of call before dinner, meaning a drink at the Captain Kidd, a few doors from the town of Ramsgate, was sadly jettisoned so we could fit in a half at the another previous favourite, the Prospect of Whitby. While the Prospect may lack some character compared to our previous stop, it remains a classic pub for a reason and it would be hard to pass by without calling in for at least one whistle-wetter.  

The Whitby is now owned by the Taylor-Walker chain, which seems rather a shame after its chequered history dating back to 1520 and with its previous patrons including Charles Dickens, Samuel Pepys, Judge Jeffries, Whistler, Turner and Richard Burton. Rodney was even seen walking out of there when Uncle Albert went missing in Only Fools and Horses.

Despite the slightly soulless atmosphere and generic menu and drinks list, the service is friendly and views are still unbeatable; although I find sitting at one of their window tables, with the Thames lapping right up against the side of the glass, makes me feel decidedly queasy (nothing to do with the beer, of course).

Prospect of Whitby on Urbanspoon

The final stop saw us wind ourselves around the Shadwell basin, stopping to admire the stunning vista across the water to Canary Wharf - who knew urban East London could look so calm and beautiful - and into Whitechapel for a ‘proper’ curry.

One of my little sister’s greatest loves, and the thing she misses the most living in Sydney - other than her older sister of course – is a good curry. Which, like decent bacon and sausages, is something the Aussies have yet to properly master; surely a cash cow (or pig) for some enterprising entrepreneur.

While they may have hours of glorious sunshine, beautiful sandy beaches and a laid back lifestyle anyone would be envious of, the joys of a sweet and sour lamb dhansak; fiery chicken vindaloo, sag bhaji and fluffy nan bread remain elusive. Even if they often have to be endured with a side order of drizzle when enjoyed on these shores.

As a consequence of this deprivation everybody wants to take her and the G out for an Indian when she’s back home, not really much of a hardship, I suppose, but I don’t envy the co-passengers on the flight back to Oz.  While there are several decent restaurants near my house, I wanted to give them a proper East End experience, complete with the thick fug of grilled meat smoke hanging in the air and wipe down plastic tablecloths.

Last time I was in this neck of the woods we had gone to the Tayabs for chops and dry meat (and the memorable sight of Stealth prostrate in the corridor with some sort of bilious attack), so this time we chose one of their near rivals, Lahore Kebab House, to see how they’d stack up.

Lahore Kebab House. The food is karahi chicken karahi gosht, butter chicken bhindi gosht sag aloo, peshwari and garlic nans, tandoori rotis, rice and a plate of poppadoms - ordered by Stealth after the main dishes arrived 'it isn't the same without a poppadom.'

Décor is basic, to be kind, but the buzz from the rapidly filling room - even on a Monday night - and the heat and clatter coming from the kitchen were promising signs. As with many of the restaurants around these parts, LHR is unlicensed but you can BYO, meaning all the nearby corner shops have chilled cabinets stuffed full of large bottles of icy Cobra.

Dishes arrive with a lightning rapidity from the kitchen, a plate of salad to start followed by curries that are served in well worn karahi dishes set on hollow metal rings, followed by a basket of freshly baked bread and sides of chutney and fluffy pilau rice. I rued the fact I couldn't manage a plate of their famed chops, but the rest of our food was good, especially the karahi dishes and the bhindi gosht, rich chunks of mutton cooked with okra in a spicy gravy.

Deserts comprise of the tooth-achingly sweet familiar favourites; gulab jamun, kheer, halwa and kulfi, but we made do with a few more bottles of Cobra while we marvelled that our feast, sans grog, had only just reached double figures - 11 quid - per head. Less than the price of a drink at the Shard, no suspicious eyeing up at the door, and with a bagful of leftover nan bread to take home for breakfast to boot.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, or vice versa, these were some of the joys of my wonderful hometown, shared with some of my favourite people.

Lahore Kebab House on Urbanspoon

Pig Cheek Vindaloo

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We're England!
We're gonna score one more than you
Fat Les - Vindaloo

Another summer, another crushing footballing disappointment. Ever since that fateful night in Turin 24 years ago, when I've never seen my Father - or anyone else for that matter - drink so much brandy, I've become used to it. So much so that the St George bunting wasn't even unfurled this year.

Not that I'm feeling too down about it, the World Cup is turning into a cracking competition despite our early exit; even the Ewing is clamouring to stay up late watching Honduras kick lumps out of Ecuador or Greece crash out against the Costa Rica And, no matter how bad we are at kick ball, we're still great at curry. 

Originally introduced to the west coast of India by the Portuguese, carne de vinha d'alhos - a dish of meat, usually pork, marinaded in wine and garlic - was modified to local tastes with the substitution of palm vinegar for wine and the addition of lots of red Kashmiri chilies to evolve into what we now know as vindaloo.

Sadly it's now become somewhat of a joke dish; hijacked by sweaty men who like to posture post-pub, pints of lager in hand, whilst making jokes about frozen loo roll. Terry Pratchett memorably described it in his Disc World novels as 'mouth-scalding gristle for macho foreign idiots'. And while it is hot, the heat is far from the only point of what should be a fragrant, and even subtle, dish.

 
Following on from my last post - where we ended up eating karahi in deepest darkest Whitechapel - this curry was originally devised in preparedness for my spice loving Sister coming over to stay from Oz; a vindaloo being her usual choice when she goes out for a ruby. 

As with all best laid plans, we didn't end up having time to make it for her visit, but I did get a chance to make it for my Mum, another fearless curry lover, when she last came to stay. And, even if I do say so myself, it was quite frankly top drawer stuff. Easily one of the best curries I have made at home, and something a bit different than the fare offered by our usual flock wallpapered local haunts.

Not only that, but it was hugely simple to make. Just take your meat, I used pig cheeks - the Ewing cleared the shelves at our local Waitrose - and cover in the marinade for a couple of hours to allow the vinegar to tenderise the meat. Then soften onions in a little oil, add the meat and a tin of tomatoes and cook for a in the oven until tender. 

Cheeks are ideal for this as they have very little fat but lots of connective tissue that makes a wonderfully rich and gelatinous sauce that isn't too rich or greasy. Next time I plan to try some cubed pork or lamb shoulder, or even chicken thighs, but I reckon any tough cut - especially strong flavours like goat, game or mutton - would work a treat.

Pig Cheek Vindaloo
(Adapted from Simon Majumdar)

Ingredients
2kg pig cheeks or pork shoulder, trimmed and cut into inch pieces
1 cup palm/cider/white wine vinegar
10 cm fresh ginger, peeled
6 Fresh chilies, finely chopped (I grated mine with a Microplane)
10 cloves of garlic, peeled
1 tsp salt

Spices
1/2 tsp ground cloves
2 tsp garam masala
2 tsp ground Cumin seeds
2 tsp ground Coriander seeds
2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp sugar

2 white onions, sliced
1 tin chopped tomatoes
Vegetable Oil for frying

Instructions
Put the salt ginger and garlic into a pestle and mortar and grind to fine paste
Place the pork into a non-reactive bowl, add the garlic ginger paste, the chopped chilies and the vinegar and massage into the meat.
Mix together al the spices pour over the pork and massage well into the meat. Cover with cling film and leave to marinade for at least two hours to allow the vinegar time to penetrate and tenderise the pork.
When ready to cook, preheat the oven to 180c.
Heat a little oil in a large pot and fry the onions until golden.
Pour the entire contents of the bowl into the pan along with the tinned tomatoes. Add water, if needed, so the liquid just covers the meat, stir well, put on the lid and place pot in the oven.
Cook for about three hours, removing the lid a third of the way through the cooking time, or until the sauce has thickened and the meat is tender.

As with all curies, this is even better eaten a day or two after cooking. Piles of fluffy white rice or nan bread, cucumber raita to cool down burnt tongues and plenty of Cobra are obligatory.


Wild Strawberry Cafe

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The Ewing and I don’t often argue (well, much anyway) but come the summertime we always manage to have at least one exchange of words over three small letters: PYO.

For while the idea of spending a sunny afternoon picking soft fruits and digging vegetables wouldn’t appear, on the surface, to be a very divisive issue - and the picking its self remains a fun-filled activity - the punnets of frozen fruits that fill the freezer, alongside the endless jars of jams and curds and bottles of flavoured spirits and liqueurs that seem to fall out of every cupboard upon opening provoke an annual bone of contention.

Up until last weekend, this year was looking pretty textbook. I mentioned going fruit picking, the Ewing replied not until I had eaten at least some of the blackberries that had solidified into a great frozen purple mass. That was until she came in to the bedroom last Sunday morning and suggested we went to Peterley Farm. I, careful not to mention the several jars of gooseberry and elderflower chutney I had recently found under the bed, quickly agreed.

 
It wasn’t until a little later I found out the real reason for her renewed enthusiasm; discovering, via her parents, the existence of new pop up café that had sprung up in a yurt onsite. By this point it was too late to say no, although the idea of being trapped under canvas with the sort of people who might think it was fun to visit a farm early on a Sunday morning (conveniently forgetting this included myself until a few minutes previously) suddenly didn’t seem very appealing.

So what a joy it is to report that the Wild Strawberry Café is one of the nicest places I have visited for a long while. I would use that hoary old cliché ‘hidden gem’, but as we turned up for brunch so it seems did half the surrounding Chiltern Villages. Showing, despite only being open a few weeks, the word is clearly already getting out.

There are plenty of reasons to love WSC, first up being the charming service – seriously, I've never met such a well versed and charming group of young people, especially early on a Sunday – and the cafetieres of Extract Coffee they serve.

Having forgone my usual pint of PG Tips in order to get out on time the Mexican blend we sampled first – in homage to their heroics the night before against the Dutch – was superb, although, sadly there’s no booze, as a bloody mary or glass of fizz would be the cherry on the cake.

Speaking of cake, they also had some trays of pretty brilliant looking Danish pastries and croissants, although figuring that a quarter to eleven was pretty much lunch time, I went for the special of Stockings Farm lamb burger with a griddled courgette and feta salad.

This was, in a word, joyful; the fantastic brioche bun and slow roasted tomatoes being particularly worthy of praise and the lamb being cooked to a perfect pink within and charred on the outside. I would have perhaps preferred a slightly bigger patty, but I’m greedy like that. The salad, shared with my wife because I’m nice, was sweet and zingy with lemon at once, punctuated by little nuggets of the salty sheep’s cheese.

The Ewing chose the far more prosaic at that time in the morning, but no less delicious bacon sarnie. Rashers of crispy back on local sourdough and served with artisan ketchup or Oxford brown sauce. This was rated as very good from one of the world’s most proficient bacon sarnie makers; high praise indeed. Again, probably owing to my greed, it would have been nice to have the option to apply your own sauces as the wrong ratio can kill all breakfast enjoyment, but there was just right amount for the Ewing.

There followed a picking interlude which, as every year before, I, remembering the Ewing’s words about storage and waste -carefully picked a scant few punnets of choice fruit, while the Ewing went full out and attempted to fill the whole boot (while leaving me to try and deal with the rapidly fermenting  haul, but that’s another blog post...). Poppycock - TE

After a quick visit to the farm shop, for the superlative Lacey Green Farm cream to anoint our berries later, it was time for round two at WSC. For the second round we opted to share a large pot of the Kenyan coffee and a slice each of the magisterial cakes that lined the counter.

I had the courgette, walnut and cinnamon flavour, tall layers of sponge and butter cream that were a feat of engineering and tasted just as good, while the Ewing nabbed the last square of rhubarb and almond. Although the picture above doesn’t do it any justice, the nutty, sweet sponge was crammed full of batons of the sharp fruit and was, like the courgette number, superlative.

I’m not sure how long these guys are going to be here, but I’m hoping beyond the summer as there’s a wood burner in the yurt that would, I’m sure, keep it wonderfully toasty in inclement weather. And (as much as it pains me to recommend if it means the queues get any longer) this is - in a country that still hasn’t really embraced the joy of brunch properly - pretty much the perfect brunch spot.

Aobaba, Walworth Road

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Sometimes a favourite place can be more than just the sum of its parts, especially when you’re suffering from the effects of one too many shandies the night before. 

Take Bobby’s, the run-of-the-mill sandwich shop I used to live near, that provided crusty tuna rolls and ice cold Coke to stave off the most fearsome of hangovers; or Drew’s Bakery, where I’d stop for a Saturday morning pain au chocolate, or even some of their fabulous lardy cake, to make weekend working more bearable. And who can forget the, life-giving boxes of greasy TEFC fried chicken the Ewing and I would scoff in bed after a night on the tiles.

Now there’s a new, and thankfully a little more sophisticated, saviour in town; Aobaba on the Walworth Road that also has the bonus of conveniently situated within staggering distance of Stealth’s house. Because while we’re told you’re supposed to get wiser as you grow old, in reality it seems the hangovers are just getting worse…

While the bright but rather sterile Aobaba might not be quite like hanging around back street Hai Noi (probably a good thing) I can attest that after an epic Bank Holiday weekend when I thought I would never feel quite the same again, salvation came in the form of a bowl of their Spicy Hue Noodle soup.
It’s described on the menu as beef shin, pork ball and pork meat in a spicy lemongrass broth with rice noodles; and while I’m not quite sure it lives up to the sum of its parts, a large bowl - complete with a forest of Vietnamese greenery, bean sprouts and bird’s eye chillies to really blast the cobwebs away - costs just seven quid.

It’s everything you could want from your lunch; soothing soup; a flotilla of fresh herbs; meaty protein; chilli heat; and lots of carby noodles, growing fat in the broth at the bottom. Not a perfect example in its field, but it’s hard to put a price on stopping that queasy stomach and pounding head that’s  achieved with a few slurps from a bowl of this nectar.

For simpler tastes the chicken Pho, with rice vermicelli noodles, shredded meat and herbs, is the Ewing’s go to reviver. Simple but effective, although even a bowl of this combined with a sweaty schlep around the E&C subway couldn’t stop the Ewing falling into a post-lunch slumber on the train home.

While they are best known for their bubble teas, I think I might prefer the fresh fruit smoothies. I’d recommend the pineapple as being particularly good for digestive distress, although I haven’t yet summoned the courage to try to durian flavour.

The novelty of the classic boba tea still hasn’t worn thin though, and I’d rate the efforts at Aobaba as pretty decent. Although the flavoured ‘bubble’ selection available on any one visit can be a bit hit and miss there's enough choice to mean I can always try something different every time.

The last one I tried, the milk tea with red bean and coconut served black tapioca pearls, comes recommended, making a nice change from my favourite order of milk tea with black pearls. While the green apple with pineapple jelly cubes or mango boba is great refresher in the hot weather.

Another menu staple which has proved elusive - annoyingly my visits often precede the fresh bread delivery, or I turn up after it's all gone - are the banh mi, or traditional Vietnamese baguettes.

The baguettes are the authentic rice flour-based variety, which means the bread has a lighter, crispier crust than the standard French baguettes that they have evolved from after its introduction to South east Asia during colonialism.

To me banh mi is fusion food at its best; here they have a selection of fillings - from the classic Saigon with roast pork, ham and pate, to spicy lemongrass chicken. The buns are then finished with fresh red chilli, coriander and a handful of crisp pickled veg. At, on average, three or four quid each they put M&S pallid prepacked offerings to shame.

Lest you get the impression I’m always already inebriated when visiting, Aobaba is also a good place to have a drink too. They serve a trio of SE Asian beers, Hai Noi, Hue and Saigon, at £2.50 a pop, the cheapness atoning somewhat for the not-quite-cold-enough temperatures. You can also buy crates to go from the adjoining shop.

The beers also make perfect accompaniments to their range of snacks and starters. The minced grilled beef and pork, wrapped in betel leaves, attractively nicknamed ‘dead men’s toes' by the Ewing, being particularly nice if rather unphotogenic. They also have a selection of, rather average, steamed dumplings providing ballast for a pound.

After eating it's well worth going for a browse in the attached Longdan supermarket. As well as fresh rice flour baguettes and green pandan cakes there’s also a good soft drink selection; Thai and Vietnamese varieties of Red Bull (this stuff will really give you wings), lurid basil jelly shakes, roasted coconut juice, soya milks and fruit sodas for all your re hydration needs

They also stock a wide range of Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Korean and Japanese store cupboard essentials a large selection of both fresh and frozen meat, fish, fruit and vegetables. It’s also a good spot to seek out cooking utensils, pots and pans and tableware. There's even a nice selection of bamboo hats, perfect for the inclement weather of the Walworth Road

'Easy' One Crust Cherry Pie

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Choosing a favourite fruit rather feels like choosing a favourite child - is it the first bite of a crisp russet in October; a juicy Clementine at Christmas; a slice of watermelon on a summer's afternoon or a pale pink stalk of rhubarb brightening the late winter gloom? While my mind changes as quickly as the seasons, if push were really to come to shove, I think it would have to be the English cherry. The fact that they are still only available during the late summer makes them taste even sweeter for those few blissful weeks where I’m never far from a brown paper bag full of the little red fruit.

One dark moment came a few years ago when, after preparing dinner, I sat down to greedily munch my way through a pound or two. On eating the first few, my lips began to tingle and burn - immediately I thought of my mother who, at about the same age as I then was, had developed an allergy to cherries whilst eating them on a picnic in France. Suddenly, a grim stone fruit free future loomed, at least until I pieced together the evidence and realised the unpleasant burning sensation was related to the fact I had been previously chopping fresh chillies, and, thankfully, had nothing to do with the cherries at all.

I have always studiously avoided using fresh cherries in recipes; primarily because there just perfect eaten as they are, but also because of the lack of a cherry pitter in my life. This summer, having bought a crate of local cherries large enough that even I had trouble finishing them, I decided to finally make the leap and buy one to make Delia Smiths one crust fruit pie, from her peerless Summer Collection.

Suffice to say, the pitter lasted about four minutes - just the time it took to realise the time spent saved pitting the cherries would be spent wiping spurts of cherry juice from the walls/floors/cupboards/my eyes...

Eagle-eyed readers may have also noticed the quote marks around the ‘easy’ in the title of this blog; if the cherry pitter wasn't enught of a pitfall, I still had to make the pastry. While I set out to attempt it in a bullish frame of mind, reasoning if Delia said it was simple then surely it must be, my first effort ended up crumbling onto the floor, into the cat’s bowl, on the bottom of my shoes and, finally, into the bin. The situation, as now seems customary with anything involving pastry making in our house, quickly descended into a row, with the Ewing’s attempts to help lift the dough onto the baking sheet also ending in an unmitigated disaster.

With the Ewing safely upstairs sulking, I persevered with a second batch, this time using the trusty food processor rather than by hand. While this second attempt had the opposite problem of being rather too wet, as opposed to resembling sand, it was, thankfully, far easier to roll out.

After the bitter and bloody battle that proceeded it, the pie turned out to be a hard won success. Especially when served served warm, in thick slices with plenty of vanilla ice cream.

One Crust Cherry Pie with Hazelnut Pastry
Adapted from Delia's Summer Collection

For the filling
700 g pitted cherries
40g caster sugar
2 tbsp semolina/polenta
1 egg yolk
For the glaze
1 egg white
For the shortcrust pastry:
175 g plain flour
50g ground hazelnuts
80 g butter 
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

Make up the pastry by sifting the flour into a large mixing bowl, then rubbing the fats into it lightly with your fingertips.
When the mixture reaches the crumb stage, sprinkle in enough cold water to bring it together to a smooth dough that leaves the bowl absolutely clean. 
Give it a little light knead to bring it fully together, then place the pastry in a polythene bag in the fridge for 30 minutes. 
Pre-heat the oven to gas mark 6, 400°F (200°C). 
Then roll the pastry out on a flat surface to a round of approximately 35 cm as you roll, ragged edges are fine.
Carefully roll the pastry round the rolling pin and transfer it to the centre of the lightly greased baking sheet.
To prevent the pastry getting soggy from any excess juice, paint the base with egg yolk, then sprinkle the semolina lightly over to soak up the juices from the fruit.
No turn in the edges of the pastry: if any breaks, just patch it back on again.
Brush the pastry surface all round with the beaten egg white .
Place highest shelf of the oven and bake for approximately 35 minutes or until the crust is golden brown. 


Lenos & Carbon, Elephant and Castle

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Columbia has featured quite prominently in the news recently - well, certainly if you've paid any interest to the small soccerball tournament that's just finished in Brazil. Firstly there was the 20 year anniversary of the tragic killing of Andrés Escobar, followed by the far happier memories of James Roderigez netting the Golden Boot, with one spectacular effort being voted the goal of the tournament

It also so happens that Elephant and Castle, my usual weekend stomping ground, has the highest Colombian population in London; which is still pretty much apropos of nothing if you happen to be Stealth. Not only does she have a less than cursory interest in football, recently announcing 'the Match of the Day theme tune makes me feel sick', but she's still barely even registered the Latin spirit of the area. Pretty hard to miss, especially on a Saturday when the thick cloud of smoke from the chorizo sausages being grilled on split oil drums, alongside a loud Latin soundtrack and huge swathes of bunting, bursts out from under the railway arches.

Despite her startling lack of observation skills she is nothing if not up for trying something new, which is how we found ourselves on a deserted Rockingham street, just off the main E&C roundabout, on a muggy Monday afternoon.

As well as a fridge crammed full of sugary soft drinks such as the lurid Inca Kola and icy lager, they have a range of homemade fruit smoothies.  The South Americas are known for their huge range of native fruits that are seldom seen on this side of the Atlantic, and here you can chose from flavours including naranjillo and soursop, or the more familiar blackberry and mango. 

I tried the passion fruit flavour,  up there with the best beverages I have imbibed this year. Perhaps a bold claim for something containing not a drop of alcohol, although the #peckhampunch I had been knocking back at a party the previous Saturday ran it close (and contributed to the factor I still wasn't back drinking alcohol several days later...). 

To eat I chose the Bandeja Paisa (literally translated as platter from the Paisa region, found in the northweat of the country and home to the Colombian Coffee-Growers Axis), the national dish of Columbia that's known for it's generous portion size and for the variety of different delights all found on one plate.

In fact, I found it rather like an English fry up for coffee growers (stay with me here) being as it contained beans, sausage, fried bread and eggs and a slice of pork belly that could be, if you really squinted, mistaken for a extra thick rasher of streaky. Granted, white rice, plantain, ground beef and avocado don't often feature at your usual greasy spoon, and an arepa is pretty far removed from a fried slice, but I found this pick'n'mix of meat and carbs equally effective at hangover busting.

The slow stewed beans, studded with salty porky bits, were a particular highlight, alongside the grilled meats that were rich with salt, garlic and smoke from the grill. And while I rued the fact the Ewing, a confirmed plantain aficionado, wasn't here to try some of this vast specimen, it did leave all the more for me. To mop it all up the arepa, a ground maize flat bread cooked on the griddle, was interesting, but possibly a taste I haven't yet fully acquired.

Another handy thing about eating with Stealth is the delegation of ordering, meaning I can essentially chose two dinners (although the flipside to this being half my food usually gets swiped from across the table).

The Patacon con Todo I chose for her was another mix'n' match affair, this time based around patacones, or deep fried green plantains, that are flattened to resemble a corn tortilla. The plantain base is then served 'con todo', or with everything. In this case heaped with a variety of meats - shredded beef and chicken and fried cubes of crispy pork belly - shredded cheese, pineapple sauce, garlic sauce and guacamole.

On its arrival, Stealth marvelled at the appearance of her dinner - announcing excitedly 'I've never seen anything like this before'.  Thankfully, this turned out to be a good thing. And while it may not be much of a looker, each component managed to be distinctively delicious when eaten alone as well as in tandem with anything else on the plate (or mine, for that matter). 

Brevas con Quso y Arequipe, figs cooked in syrup served with caramel and white cheese, were frustratingly beyond either of our appetites, not a real surprise considering the portion sizes. Hopefully I'll be back soon enough to sample this intriguing sounding, diabetic coma of a desert, but on this trip a pleasingly full stomach and a vanquished hangover would have to suffice. 

(NB, in the absence of pictures of Stealth enjoying her aforementioned feast, here is one of her demonstrating her latest trick. That's magic.) 

Fox and Hounds, Christmas Common

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Like Orwell, I frequently muse about what makes a pub perfect - as can be seen in my previous ramblings on the Royal Standard of England in Knotty Green, having recently enjoyed another lovely lunch there with my sister. If you haven't read Orwell's essay, The Moon Under Water, you probably should. Suffice to say after you've finished reading this.

I imagine the Fox and Hounds would be an Orwell kind of pub. For a start the setting, hidden on the Oxfordshire/Buckinghamshire border, is impossibly picture postcard pretty. As is the pub itself, a handsome building covered in rambling greenery and dating back to 1643. Inside is a cosy front bar with inglenook fireplace, and a larger open plan dining area. It's proved a pretty versatile space through the years, the 2010 election even saw it used as a local polling station, but the main draw on such a glorious day was the chocolate box garden at the front.

Shaded picnic sets, a pile of dog bowls piled by an outside tap and a perfectly manicured herb patch - where the sous chef appeared intermittently to collect fresh sprigs of rosemary - make this a perfect spot to while away an afternoon. Like mad dogs and Englishmen, we braved the glare of the full midday sun, unable to predict quite how long this fleeting good weather may last.

To slake my thirst was a glimmering pint of Breakspear's Oxford Gold. Is there anything better on a summer's day in a sunny pub garden than a classic cask beer? I've yet to find it. A quintessentially English drop and a well kept example of this eminently quaffable golden ale

I  could tell the burger- glazed with a thick slice of Stilton that properly melted over the top - was going to be good when I held it aloft and a stream of juicy goodness spurted down my sleeve (steady).
The patty itself was hefty, and grilled perfectly to retain its pink and juicy centre, although I did have to ditch most the salad inside as the rather weedy bun struggled to contain its ample cargo.

The Ewing, attempting her first solid meal post-abscess trauma, went for the lasagne and salad -spookily mirroring my first meal post-abscess trauma, eaten on an American Airlines flight somewhere above the Atlantic with plastic cutlery and a grimace. Thankfully this was much nicer.

While baked pasta may not illicit too many oohs and ahhs this was classic pub grub; tasty, generous and well made. I could tell it was going down well as every crispy crust of garlic bread and crunchy mouthful of salad was greedily braved by the patient, and all assistance offered with my hovering fork in hand being firmly rebuked.

We finished off with a post-prandial walk around the rolling countryside, that lead - unsurprisingly, even with a map in hand - to us becoming hopelessly lost. Thankfully the feeling of good cheer from our lunch remained, despite the attempts of a fearsome pack of horseflies tried their hardest to drain every drop of blood from me, and we managed to retrace our steps without descending in to either stony silence or noisy admonishing.

Of course as you get older you realise setting any sort of arbitrary rules about what makes anything great - pubs or otherwise - often leads to anembarrassing loss of face when you change your mind, or, much worse, stubbornly missing out on things. But, as so very often, I think George was right;

'If anyone knows of a pub that has draught stout, open fires, cheap meals, a garden, motherly barmaids and no radio, I should be glad to hear of it.' Well, the Fox and Hounds may just be the one.

Love and War, London Style

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One of the many things I love about being English is the juxtaposition. Take our famed obsession with the changeable climate. I don't suppose many people in Oman or Quito or Corfu greet their colleagues with a detailed meteorological breakdown of the probability of rain between now and lunchtime. Don't like the weather? Wait five minutes.

It's the same reason I remain so entranced by London; the great melting pot where a five minute walk that might take you through grimy estates, sprawling parks, cobbled mews and fancy high rises. And couple of weeks ago I got to see it in its full, fickle glory; from conception to death in one short afternoon (obviously not literally, for a start I'm pretty sure we still have obscenity laws although it's sometimes hard to tell walking through an aforementioned park in the summer...). 

Fear not though, if you thought I was about to get all serious on you, there was plenty ice cream and beer involved in my adventures, too.

The day started off in one of my favourite places in the world, the Southbank (it actually started in my office, but that's far from one of my favourite places, although it does have the benefits of aircon). Despite the noise and the crowds and, on occasion, the shameless tourist-focused cynicism, the sight of a Waterloo sunset or walking over the Thames and seeing to the London Eye on one bank and the Houses of Parliament on the other never gets old.

On this particular afternoon I had two goals; to secure myself a lobster roll at the Festival of Love before a preview visit to the reopening of the Imperial War Museum. And while it did seem rather sad, in both senses, to be going to the Festival of Love solo, I reminded my self of Woody Allen's famous words onanism, and reasoned I'd also save myself the expense if having to spring for lunch for the Ewing as well. 

Bob's Lobster van found - look for the VW splitty with the retractable roof under the Hungerford Bridge - and lobster ordered, I snagged a deckchair tucked in the shade behind the van and kicked things off with a (not quite cold enough) can of lager while waiting for my roll to be toasted and assembled to order.

While they also peddle prosecco on tap, beer was the ideal choice with the mercury still steadily rising, and a Hobo fitted the bill perfectly with its easy going honey and hay aroma and gentle carbonation (read: it was fizzy and alcoholic, it hit the spot).

A few minutes later and I was acquainted with the main man; a buttery brioche roll, toasted and stuffed with copious amounts of lobster meat and finished with a sprinkling of secret herbs and spices.

It was a triumph, quite one of the best things I have crammed in my mouth recently (and there's been a few...). The lobster was poached gently to stay soft and buttery, the brioche superlative - I'm still imagining what it would be like heaped full of crispy smoked bacon - and the secret spiced stuff on top pleasingly Old Bay-ish without being overpowering.

Yes it wasn't cheap - 14 bucks and without even a pickle spear or a few crisps on the side - but it was beautiful. I was already in love.

Bob's Lobster on Urbanspoon

Next up was a wonder around the Festival of Love, which is celebrating the Same Sex Couple Act  with a programme of free events based around the seven different types of love. Differently-themed weekends, performances, poetry, talks and pop-ups including the Bloody Oyster double decker bus and the Look Mum No Handss cafe, jostle for space along the river. 

I particularly enjoyed walking through the Temple of Agape a 'celebrating the power of love over hate', and walking through the Museum of Broken Relationships, for when love goes bad. on the weekend 30-31st August you can even particpate in the Big Wedding Weekend where all couples, gay or straight, young or old, are invited to marry or renew their vows on the stage of the iconic Royal Festival Hall. Nothing like a good old mass matrimonial knees up.

To finish, a visit to the Snog bus was due. Gargantuan crowds - unsurprising, given the heat - moved pretty swiftly and soon I was in possession of my medium Snog, original vanilla flavorful, served with passion fruit, raspberries and, lest it should seem too healthy, crumbed chocolate brownie chunks.

I eschewed sitting on the top deck in favour of enjoy my snog under Waterloo bridge. Not quite as racy as it sounds, although a tub of fro-yo, brownies and berries is probably about as exciting as you could hope for  while still fully clothed (despite the fearsome heat I didn't want to scare the horses...) on a weekday lunchtime.

I've got a soft spot for frozen yoghurt, and this went down a treat in the heat. I especially liked the lip-puckering combo of classic fro-yo mixed with zingy passion fruit - which I convinced myself was contributing towards my five-a-day - and with an added dollop of protein and calcium for good measure.  For traditionalists, or those not wanting to part with the best part of a fiver for a tub there are classic Mr Whippys and orange lollies available from a several ice cream vans along the way.

Snog Pure Frozen Yogurt on Urbanspoon


Fortified and full of amore, I left the Southbank and headed down the Waterloo Road to Lambeth for a rather more sobering afternoon of reflection and commemoration. As a representative of the WW1 Centenary Partnership, I had been lucky enough to be invited to a preview of the reopening of the Imperial War Museum in Southwark.

With its new glass atrium, built by Foster and Partners, the former site of the notorious Bedlam hospital looks more magnificent and sobering than ever.  A V-1 Doodlebug and a Harrier Jet join the iconic Spitfire and Sopwith Camel suspended in the skies above, while other exhibits on land include a Reuters Land Rover damaged in an attack in Gaza, a bombed out shell of a car recovered from a Baghdad market  and a menacing, Czech built, T-34 tank.

The Holocaust galleries remain as powerful as ever, while the surrounding rooms house a variety of exhibits and stories from conflicts of the last century that range from the Maggie puppet featured on Spitting Image, to imploded glass bottles and tiles found at Hiroshima, to a twisted window frame from the World Trade Centre.

The primary reason for my visit was to see newly configured Great War galleries, featuring over 1,300 objects and including an overhauled trench experience that attempts to evoke the difficult, and often brutally short, life of a soldier fighting on the Front.

The display runs on two sides of a u-shape, with the war – including the war at sea and campaigns in the Middle East, Africa, Gallipoli and the Western Front represented on the outside wall, and the home front – including Germany’s – on the inside. Here you can find out what life was like at home during the First World War in Britain and its former Empire. Discovering the reasons why men signed up for service and the contributions women made to keep the troops fed and fighting.

Reopen fully as of the 18th July, the exhibition, like the museum itself, is a poignant commemoration to the brutality and senselessness of conflict, asking us to question the ‘three Cs’: Cause, Course and Consequence. It also leaves you with the hope that love really can conquer all.

Village Mangal, Amersham

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Amersham, the start of the commuter belt, a town thrumming with the gentle bubble of suburban life and the joys (and despair) of nothing in particular. Amersham, the end of the Metropolitan Line, celebrated by John Betjemen in Metro-land (given the marvellous working title, The Joys of Urban Living), who proclaimed of life beyond the town; ‘In those wet fields the railway didn't pay/The Metro stops at Amersham today.’

Knowing the town as I do (my second student job was here, at the foot of the hill linking the old and new towns) you would probably forgive my scepticism that the Village Mangal would be anything more than a high day and holiday sort of place, serving humdrum food -with sparklers in every other pudding to celebrate yet another birthday – washed down with copious amounts of wine and the odd family disagreement.

In the spirit of trying new things I had arranged a dinner date with The Ewing and Maz, the Witness (our wedding, not Jehovah's), not hoping for much, but assuring ourselves there would be lots of juicy gossip to make up for any shortcomings in the food. So it was with a degree of happy surprise that the grub turned out to be as plentiful and tasty as the conversations.

The start of our meal, however, was a little inauspicious. Arriving straight after work to a near empty restaurant meant we bore the initial brunt of the waiters overzealous attention. While they were all very friendly, there is a limit of how many times you need the cruet set rearranging by a procession of different staff, especially if you’re waiting to hear the denouement of a particularly exciting story.

On the food front things started very promisingly with a gratis selection of meze, including a  plate of charred onions dressed with a pleasingly sour mixture of pomegranate and sumac served alongside pillowy Turkish bread and a duo of dips; spicy tomato and olive oil, and herb and yoghurt.

Next was a lamacun, a pizza-cum-flatbread, topped with ground lamb and spices, that came served with a pile of sumac -flecked pickles and salad.  A wholly unnecessary stop gap of a dish that has become something of a must- order when I see it in honour of the magical Stealth, who rates them as one of her favourite foods.

Not only was it superlative, it was also £2.50, hardly Home Counties prices. In fact the whole menu was eminently reasonable, with kebabs and grills, with rice and salad, starting at £7.00 and a two course weekday lunch is also available for bargain hunters.

Being ladies with somewhat more expensive tastes the Ewing agreed (using some gentle persuasion) to share the Mangal grill with me; a huge pile of grilled meat and rice served with yet more salad and pickles, £24 all in.

The meat, a selection of lamb ribs, lamb chops, lamb shish, chicken shish and kofte was fantastic; heavily seasoned with salt and spices and smoky from the chargrill. It was only later, when I walked to the back of the restaurant, that I saw how the authentic flavour had been achieved – although the thick fug of smoke and heat should have probably have given the game away sooner.

Tucked away, before you reach the kitchen, was a large open grill where, a rather unfortunate, given the stifling weather, man sat sentry over an array of skewers of different meats, vegetables and fish. His labours were worth it because it was all - especially the lamb ribs, that I am still fantasising over a fortnight later – fabulous.

Maz chose another humdinger, with the Hünkar Beğendi, or Sultan’s Delight. This was a plate of lamb, stewed lightly in a tomato sauce, on a bed of impossibly glorious aubergine. There are few things as wonderful in life as a aubergine cooked just right (often a tricky thing), and this was silky, oily and smoky, with no hint of the spongy, bland bitterness that can often blight it.

While it looked for a while as if we would be needing a doggy bag, the Ewing diligently persevered until just a heap of bones and sticky fingers remained. There was even enough room for a thick, strong coffee and a few morsels of traditional Turkish sweetmeats. The perfect end to a 'delightful' evening.

Summer Cake with Apricots, Almonds and Raspberries

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A bit of late summer foraging always puts me in mind of the words of the wonderful Seamus Heaney:

Blackberry Picking
Late August, given heavy rain and sun
For a full week, the blackberries would ripen.
At first, just one, a glossy purple clot
Among others, red, green, hard as a knot.
You ate that first one and its flesh was sweet
Like thickened wine: summer's blood was in it
Leaving stains upon the tongue and lust for
Picking. Then red ones inked up and that hunger
Sent us out with milk cans, pea tins, jam-pots
Where briars scratched and wet grass bleached our boots.
Round hayfields, cornfields and potato-drills
We trekked and picked until the cans were full
Until the tinkling bottom had been covered
With green ones, and on top big dark blobs burned
Like a plate of eyes. Our hands were peppered
With thorn pricks, our palms sticky as Bluebeard's.
We hoarded the fresh berries in the byre.
But when the bath was filled we found a fur,
A rat-grey fungus, glutting on our cache.
The juice was stinking too. Once off the bush
The fruit fermented, the sweet flesh would turn sour.
I always felt like crying. It wasn't fair
That all the lovely canfuls smelt of rot.
Each year I hoped they'd keep, knew they would not.

Luckily for me there’s a huge blackberry bush at the end of my front garden, providing handfuls of snatched berries for breakfast on route to work with further pickings gathered on the way home to be instantly frozen or eaten with yogurt or cream.

Other berries, particularly fragile raspberries and tayberries, are more troublesome. Each year I always vow only to pick enough to eat that day; not only are they so fragile but they also are the most expensive of the soft fruits at our local PYO, and its heart-breaking to have to throw away any fuzzy or hopelessly squashed ones.

Of course each year is the same and the allure of the little scarlet fruits, gently sun warmed, is too much to resist. We always end up carting home at least a couple of large punnets to gently taunt me every time I open the fridge door.

This year I was determined to be more organised, as well as some of Dan Lepard’s oat bran muffins, studded with both blueberries and raspberries - far less virtuous than they sound and very, very easy – I also picked out this Summer cake from Nigel Slater, for Stealth’s annual, seemingly never-ending, unbirthday bash.

I’m afraid I can’t take credit for the making of this cake, it was one of the wonderful Ewing’s creations, but I can take full credit for demolishing several large slices. The ground almonds and soft fruit keep it particularly moist, but a little dollop of cream or ice cream alongside wouldn't go amiss either…


Summer Cake with Raspberries and Apricots 
Adapted from Nigel Slater's Tender volume II

Serves 8-10 
175g butter 
175g golden caster sugar 
200g ripe apricots (or peaches or plums)
2 large eggs 
175g self-raising flour 
100g ground almonds 
1 tsp grated orange zest 
a few drops of vanilla extract 
150g raspberries (or any other soft berries)

Line the base of a 20cm, loose-bottomed cake tin with baking paper. Set the oven at 170C
Cream the butter and sugar together in a food mixer until pale and fluffy. 
Halve, stone and roughly chop the apricots. 
Beat the eggs lightly then add, a little at a time, to the creamed butter and sugar. If there is any sign of curdling, stir in a tablespoon of the flour.
Mix the flour and almonds together and fold in slowly to the creamed buter/sugar/eggs.
Add the orange zest and vanilla, and once they are incorporated gently stir in the chopped apricots and raspberries.
Scrape the mixture into the cake tin and bake for 1 hour and 10 minutes. 
Test with a skewer – if it comes out relatively clean, then the cake is done. 
Leave the cake to cool for 10 minutes or so in the tin, run a palette knife around the edge, then slide out on to a plate.
Decorate with a sprinkling of icing sugar or granulated sugar and serve with cream or ice cream and more berries.


'Noodle Bar', Leicester Square (and some Unbirthday Cake)

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There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know. Lewis Carroll

A couple of weeks ago, as a precursor to Stealth's unbirthday trip to the Proms, I decided to treat her for dinner at a cheap, unlicensed and un-air-conditioned dive in the heart of tacky tourist central. No one can say I don’t push the boat out.

There was a brief moment, when I was trying to, literally, push my way from Piccadilly Circus to Leicester Square, when the mercury was still hitting 30 at six in the evening and most of London had decided to descend upon Theatreland, where I questioned my own sanity on suggesting such an idea.

But, despite the crowds and the heat and inauspicious frontage of the place – just look for the sign that says ‘noodles’ – I knew that at the back, past the trays of luminous sweet and sour and chow mein and fug of steaming dumplings, that Stealth’s spicy noodle urge would soon be sated.

Typically, despite the address and link to Google maps being provided, Stealth had decided to trust her own sense of direction and was waiting at the other noodle bar opposite the other entrance of Leicester Square tube. Something that was comical when recounted later, but didn’t seem quite as amusing as we were sublimating on the pavement.

Troops successfully reconvened, we were hustled by the staff waiting on the pavement outside to the cramped seating area at the back and presented with, helpfully illustrated, laminated menus. There's plenty to chose from, but ignore all the standard glop that sits in trays under heat lamps, the handmade noodles are the real draw here.

These noodles come in two varieties, la mian, the thin, hand pulled variety, and Dao Xiao Mian, which are shaved from a big ball of dough, wrapped round a stick, straight into the steaming stockpot. Both these types can be ordered in soup, dry style or fried, and then topped with various meat, fish and vegetables.

From the little ledge along the side of the restaurant, where we were perched, we had a prime seat to one of the best shows in town, watching enthralled at the lengths of oil dough being expertly twisted and tossed into the air until they split into tiny, glistening threads that were dispatched straight into the bubbling broth.

Minutes later and our steaming bowls were in front of us; hot and sour beef with la mian for Stealth, Dan Dan noodles with la mian for the Ewing and crispy pork chop with fried Dao Xiao for me.
The la mian were springy and toothsome, just like a good noodle should be. Stealth’s soup was pleasingly piquant, full of strips of tender meat and greens while the Ewing’s Dan Dan rendition had a flavoursome broth topped with plenty of porky, nutty sauce.

My platter - literally, a vast metal tray- was piled with crisp cabbage and onions and chunks of juicy pork chop and studded throughout with comforting noodle chunks that were chewy and stodgy, in the best possible way.

Noodle mains are decently priced, between £ 6-£7.50, and the portions are gargantuan. For the adventurous there is also a huge menu of side dishes that includes various preparations of tripe, liver and tongue alongside cucumber served with pig’s ears, and stomach of duck in red oil.

We also ordered a plate of steamed dumplings stuffed with pork and Chines chives – superfluous, but rather forced on us by our brusque, but amusing waiter – which were very good.  The handmade wrappers encasing the centre were delicate and light with the inside being fragrantly allium-spiked and beautifully juicy.

It isn’t licenced, they don’t offer tap water, service is comically curt and pushy and there is barely room to swing the noodles, let alone anything else, but Zhengzhong Lanzhou Lamian Noodle Bar has a curious charm as well as damn fine noodles.

Lanzhou on Urbanspoon
To round off the un-birthday treat, our final stop was intended to be the Golden Gate Desert House on Shaftsbury Avenue but time dictated we had to Go West (thanks to Stealth’s boss) to the Royal Albert Hall. No matter, as we had the chance to go back the following evening before returning home, although sadly sans Stealth this time.

Again, it’s not a fancy gaff, although the elaborate range of cakes and gateaux’s in the window at the front and the chilled cabinet inside are properly swanky. The Ewing went for the chocolate mousse layered sponge, complete with strawberry frog topper who was sadly blinded in an unfortunate accident on the trip home – while I picked the impressive pandan cake.

I love the flavour of pandan, and this, with the layers of lurid green jelly, fluffy sponge and coconut cream, was like a rather exotic children’s tea party. The Ewing pronounced her cake as ‘light as air’ although you’ll have to take her word for it as not much remained for me to corroborate.

The bright purple taro mousse cake also looked particularly intriguing and is top of the list for a return visit, They also stock a small range of pork, cheese, spring onion or sausage stuffed savoury buns, lotus cakes and moon cakes as well as dramatic, many layered, cream and fruit topped celebration cakes for all occasions.

Golden Gate Dessert House on Urbanspoon

Still sweltering in the sultry City heat wave our last stop was Boba Jam, two doors down from the Desert House. Here they serve a small variety of South east Asian/Chinese deserts – mostly involving strange flavoured fruit, beans and seeds – and a selection of savoury snacks, but the biggest lure is the range of Boba tea and fruit jelly drinks.

We played it safe with the Hong Kong style – a strong black tea with condensed milk – served with black tapioca pearls and lashings of ice. Everyone knows that you can’t have an un-birthday without tea and cake, and this was the perfect finale. Here’s to Stealth’s next 363 un-special days.

Boba Jam on Urbanspoon

Pizza (and Proms) - Homeslice, Covent Garden

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While I’m not a huge one for life-affirming mantras,  or ‘inspiring’ memes on Instagram, one lesson – taught to me by Madonna at the end of the Human Nature video – I like to live by is ‘absolutely no regrets’.

While not normally a hard thing to abide – this lapsed Catholic very much lacks the guilt gene – I had to struggle to remember it upon waking after our evening with the Pet Shop Boys at the Late Night Proms. Suddenly all those double G&Ts to slake our thirst, followed by a boozy late night roam through St James and past Buck House to wave at Liz, followed by a few more cans of cold Six Point IPA we found back at Stealth’s house seemed a very bad idea indeed…

Auspiciously, just at the moment I feared I might never be able to sit upright with my eyes open simultaneously, the ice cream chimes could be heard across the Newington Estate.  Moments later the magical Stealth had raced outside to grab a brace of 99s, and even deigned to let the Ewing and I eat them in bed.

With sugar safely on board – rarely has whipped fat and air seemed more welcomed - things didn’t seem quite as hopeless; suddenly the lure of more carbs and some hair of the dog began to look very appealing indeed. A cold shower and a cup of tea later and we were back out pounding the – very, very hot and sticky - tarmac of London Town in search of further sustenance.

In view of Stealth having a date to keep in Soho later that evening, we hit the centre of town, conveniently forgetting the horrors of the Big Smoke in the midst of a sultry summer that we had experienced just the previous evening. Thankfully, as with our noodle exploits the night before, braving the hordes was worth it as I had one goal in mind: securing beer and pizza.

Our destination was Homeslice, hidden away in the bright and busy warren of Neal’s Yard – alongside the eponymous cheese and natural remedy purveyors - tucked between Shorts Gardens and Monmouth Street.

As with nearby neighbours, Pizza Pilgrims, Homeslice started out with a mobile oven, this time situated in an East London brewery. After a couple of nomadic years they found a permanent home in the West, and rather a nice one it is;  wooden benches and exposed pipes and brickwork are all present and correct, alongside the jewel in the crown, the wood fired pizza oven. It’s cool, fun and (very) loud.

Orders are taken on an ipad, obviously, and we start with frosty tankards of Camden Helles, served on tap alongside glasses of Prosecco, and pretty good value for a restaurant in Covent Garden (or pretty much anywhere in Lahndan now days) at £4.50 a pop.

Rambling aside alert: While it may start to show my age, I remember my aunt buying me four and a half pound pints at the Rock Garden, just around the corner, when I was an impoverished student. This was over fifteen years ago, now, when the average pint cost £1.97, and I was at once both in awe of the cost and faintly cheated that tasted more of fizzy regret than sparkling ambrosia.

There are also over-sized bottles of wine available in the full trio of colours; drink what you like and pay by every centimetre glugged, the remaining vino measured out with an old fashioned wooden ruler by your waiter on requesting the bill.

Unsurprisingly Pizzas are the main draw; in fact the only draw. There are no sides, starters or puds to muddy the waters, just pies, whole or by the slice, from a regularly changing list chalked up on a board by the entrance.

Choices are different without being too outré. Expect to see combos like scallops with peanut, haggis and Ogleshield cheese or oxtail and horseradish alongside more familiar favourites such as the classic Caprese or aubergines and courgettes with artichoke. All slices – usually three choices – are £4, all pies £20. If you think that’s a lot of dough to drop on some dough, check the diameter – these babies are the size of a BMX wheel.

We went for a half and half split between a pizza Bianca of white anchovies, chard and Berkswell and a red pie topped with pulled pork, radish, pea shoots and mint pesto.

Everything was spot on; the crust both blistered and charred and floppy and chewy in all the right places and the toppings artfully placed to fill every bite without being sparse. Fortuitously, in the intrests of having to share, I preferred the fish and greens, with the salty sheep's cheese and tang of lemon while the Ewing liked the  porky side, especially the crunch of radish and the sprightly mint pesto. Meanwhile Stealth just got stuck into the beer while trying to snaffle all the nice crusty bits when our backs were turned.

Homeslice on Urbanspoon

Of course, I couldn't omit a mention of the wonderful PSB, debuting their Man From the Future, a musical tribute to the great Alan Turing, at the Roal Albert Hall. A fabulous performance of a bittersweet story; we even bumped in to the girls from the future, too...

Bermondsey Beer Mile

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Thankfully, given my unfailing ability to overlook the finer details, I’ve never been much of a completionist. Throughout my life I’ve left a wake of unfinished collections – from baseball cards to He-Man figures, Garbage Pail Kid stickers to Simpson’s box sets. I did have the whole set of the Just William books, but the second one fell into the swimming pool on holiday, and was never quite the same again…

With this scrupulous inattention to detail you may have thought it wouldn’t have bothered me to find out we’d missed one of the stops on my first attempt to crack the Bermondsey Beer Mile. You would have been wrong. But first, let’s go back to the beginning.

The BBM is a collection of five breweries that have sprung up around Bermondsey, starting at the arches in Druid Street and stretching across to the Bermondsey Trading Estate. Yes, it stretches the definition of 1760 yards somewhat, but the Beer Mile and a Half doesn’t have quite the same ring.

Originally I embarked upon the challenge early on a drizzly July Saturday (the only day all the brewery's tap rooms are currently open) with my faithful accomplice, the magical Stealth. A fortifying walk up East Street market and we were ready for our first drink, at the Kernel Brewery in Dockley Road. There are many different theories on the best ways to do the trail, but we decided to hit the centre point as Kernel are the busiest and also close the earliest (9.00-2.00).

The Kernel were the first of the new wave of brewers to set up around these parts and quickly became a huge success with owner and brewer, Evin O'Riordain, being awarded the British Guild of Beer Writers Brewer of the Year 2011. This success doesn’t come without cost, hence their early closing as they struggle to contain the crowds of thirsty south East Londoners who cram into the railways arches every Saturday morning.

The Kernel has been a favourite since my first visit a couple of years ago; from their hard hitting pale ales and IPAs, flavoured with a variety of different hops; to their Christmassy stouts, a favourite of the Ewing; to their quaffable table beer. In the past I've I've sunk a lot of their range, with the highlight being the night I turned up at Stealth's house to find she had filled the bathtub full of bottles bought fresh from the brewery that morning.

One I haven’t yet tried was their London Sour, and here it was on tap with added raspberry. A (almost) healthy fruit-filled start to the day – we hadn't had any breakfast yet – and not too full-on at 3.6%. This was a fabulous beer, fresh tart and tangy, balanced with a hint of sweetness. A great warm weather drink and very refreshing. Stealth had the Export Stout, a much bolder brew at 8.2%; a bruiser of a beer with plenty of chocolate, leather and coffee flavours with a creamy finish; another cracker.

Next stop was Partizan; tucked away in the arches in Almond road. Thankfully a very helpful guy in a hard hat appeared just in time to show us the way through the hoardings when we feared we were lost in the midst of an abandoned building site.

Partizan’s approach, like its surroundings, is very stripped back. They offer a range of beers on keg, alongside a selection of bottles which are all advertised on pleasingly ramshackle, handwritten cardboard signs. In contrast to their signage, the bottle’s labels are pretty damn snazzy and we picked up a lemon and thyme flavoured saison for the Ewing to drink later.

Stealth’s request for a recommendationwas met with a rather blank look – I’m not sure everyone is ready for her mumbled enthusiasm so early in the morning, so I stepped in to choose her a ginger saison, knowing her love on Jamaican ginger beer. A decent enough drop, but somewhat lacking the fiery flavour she was hoping for. I turned to the dark side with a saaz, made, unsurprisingly, with saaz hops and tasting like a light fruitcake mixed with stout, a very agreeable combination.

The best part of our visit was when Stealth enlisted a poor man next to us, quietly trying to enjoy his pint, to take a photo. While I think he may have fancied himself as a bit of a David Bailey, I think he may have imbibed one too many shandies. Still, at least there was one snap with our heads still intact, so points for that.

Next up was a trawl around the Bermondsey trading estate, where another very nice man we hosing down his work van downed tools and actually lead us to Fourpure (who said anything about unfriendly Londoners), the furthest Brewery on the trail.

The staff here were super friendly and enthusiastic, especially the lady who served us and offered to split a schooner of the Roux Brew – a 5.6% Belgian Ale - between two different glasses before coming over to our table tell us a bit more about its providence and ingredients, including orange and coriander seeds.

The beer was originally brewed by Fourpure head brewer, John Driebergen, as part of a competition organised by the London Brewer’s Alliance, which saw 12 London breweries battle it for the title of “Roux brew”, a special “house” beer paired to be with a seasonal menu at the Le Gavroche, Roux at Parliament Square and the Landau restaurants. Fourpure were victorious and this very tasty beer was the result.

I don’t know if it’s still on tap, but if so get down and fill yer boots while it’s still summer. The rest of their beers are decent too, and nice and portable in their distinctive cans, we even had time to enjoy a Amber ale (toasty, malty, touch of caramel) and an IPA (piney, spice, grapefuit) The brewery and tap room are the largest on the tour, if you don’t fancy a drink you can always call in for a game of ping pong , there was even a hen party being shown around when we visited.

At this point the tour took a slightly random turn; buoyed by beer we headed back towards the Druid Street arches and what we though was the last stop. A comical route ensued, lead by Stealth holding Googlemaps on my dying phone (hers had already expired), aloft and leading us in concentric circles Camus would have been proud of.

Eventually we found ourselves back at Marquis of Wellington, a stalwart of a pub featuring of good old fashioned fizzy lager and a no nonsense ‘proper’ bar staff. We decamped for a much needed pint of lime and soda – something which I originally felt a bit tight ordering, not wanting to see these fancy upstart weekend only tap rooms usurping the proper working class gaffs of old, until I was charged a fiver for two glasses of squash. Well, I hear you say, it is London…

Still, it’s worth a visit, just to have some good old fashioned banter with the barmaid and assorted clientele who were interested to hear about our boozy morning thus far - banter which lead me to discovering the flaw in our plan; we had walked straight past the penultimate stop.

At this point the logical workings of a sober mind would have would have concluded we should backtrack on ourselves (anathema to both Stealth and I) to grab a quick pint at Brew By Numbers, the stop we had missed, and come back for a final fling across the road.

But, staring into the bottom of our glasses of weak lime cordial, we knew it was a brewery too far. The heat, our feet and general levels of inebriation being what they were we reasoned with ourselves that we had gone off piste, that the Marquis of Wellington was our fourth stop and it didn’t really matter…

Decision made we popped over the road to our last stop, Anspach and Hobday/Bullfinch brewers. The former are a Kickstarter funded set up with the latter sharing their brewing equipment.

Beered out, we went with a Jensen gin and tonic - distilled around thee corner, they also have their own bar, too if you fancy popping in for a cocktail - and a trio of the Ansbach and Hobday brews to take home for the Ewing; an IPA, the Porter and the Smoked Brown. (Sadly the paper bag they were supplied in made it as far as London Bridge before the former two bottle met their fate with the pavement. Luckily the surviving Smoked Brown - a brown ale made with smoked barley - went down very well.)

Mission accomplished, or so we thought, we headed back to Stealth's for a little siesta and a couple of Alka Seltza. It was only on reviewing our adventures later that day that I realised that I wouldn't be able to rest without visiting the final piece in the brewery puzzle. (This was, of course, metaphorical, as I had already been asleep for the most of the afternoon.). I knew that, unlike my abandoned Batman Topps trading cards and my half finished Esso Italia 90 coin collection, I would have to return to complete the Bermondsey brew house set.

Luckily the Ewing was the second willing accomplice who agreed to wander around South London with me drinking beer and getting lost, and we headed back a fortnight later for doughnuts and ham and cocktails (see the forthcoming Bump Caves blog for that exciting installment) and, finally, a visit to Brew By Numbers, found down in the arches on Enid Street.

Brew by Number’s beers are named after a very simple premise. The first number relates to the style of the beer, while the second number indicates the incarnation e.g. what hops/brewing methods or flavourings are used. E.g. the number 4 denotes their Berliner Weisse, which is available as 1 – classic; 2 – double strength and 3 – lime versions.

Shamefully, after all the fuss, I'm not even sure what I ended up drinking, but I'm (fairly) confident it was the Session IPA, hopped with both chinook and amarillo, for a hoppy punch at a low (4.5%) ABV. From the colour I know the Ewing went with the Original Porter, her customary favoured style of beer.

Brews in hand - they also offer rather good looking scotch eggs, which even as an avowed egg avoider I was tempted by. Has anyone every come up with a plausible substitution for the egg bit? – we decamped outside to enjoy our drinks in the sunshine. 

One the oddest bits about drinking here came with the positioning of the lovely Welsh chap by the entrance, who seemed to have been given the rather thankless role of telling people that they had to sit within the packing crate seating area. Possibly something a sign, or even some rope, could have solved far more efficiently - but working with the public myself, I know that signs are merely put there to be ignored.

First rounds sunk, we went back to the arches for a beer at Ansbach and Hobday/Bullfinch to try the beers straight from the tap. Initially I was rather discombobulated, as they had moved their keg taps from straight ahead as you enter, to being positioned on the right hand wall. Thankfully everything else was present and correct, including their sign for their Mr Barrick's pie and pickle, which I still haven’t sampled but I’m planning to make third visit lucky. They also get extra brownie points on account of the Folk implosion’s Mechanical Man playing and the fact the barman was wearing a Minnesota Twins shirt.

To drink I had the Bullfinch Hopocalypse, a pretty easy going 6% pale ale that currently features Zythos, Mosaic and Galaxy hops.  The Ewing picked, after much deliberation to the amusement of the barman, the Smoked Brown she had enjoyed in the bottle after my previous visit.  We also had a bottle of Bullfinch’s Dapper - celebration of the Great British Hop brewed in the style of an American IPA – in honour of the very well dressed, but sadly absent, Stealth.


There was even time for another beery selfie by the arches. Firstly, to let Stealth know that the trail was finally complete, and secondly to remind myself of my own achievements. Not lest the facts the next morning - after several more beers and quite a few cocktails - should seem little more than an alcoholic haze. (They were, but that’s another blog…)

Castle Kebab, Elephant and Castle

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Alongside her love of noodle soup, Stealth’s favourite food remains a Turkish/ 'Lesbian'ese hybrid - although I haven't known her to turn down much that's edible, in all honesty. This is borne of two factors; firstly the convivial nature of eating; this is a cuisine where you are served lots of different dishes to share (or, in the Ewing's case, not) with those dining with you; and secondly thanks to her father, who often worked and travelled in Turkey and grew to love both the people and the cuisine. 

So much so, in fact that when Stealth’s sister revisited one of her father’s favourite haunts in Istanbul, years after he last been, they remembered him as Mr ‘Three Rice Puddings’ (a moniker I’m secretly rather jealous of).

Happily for her, Castle Kebab, a new Turkish gaff has opened a few minutes’ walk from Stealth’s flat – there is also ‘The Best Kebab’, (ever so) slightly further up the road, but Stealth considers the extra couple of hundred metres an affront, so I haven’t been able to judge the rather bold claim promised by their name.

While Castle also may also struggle to live up to its regal title from the outside, inside, past the strips lights, chilled cabinets stuffed with meat-laden skewers, and row of chairs for people waiting for their takeaway shwarma fix, is a pleasant, if rather basic, dine-in area.

Efes are icy cold and bought quickly. Stealth barely lets the froth settle on her top lip before another one is on its way. They also offer exotic fruit juices and Ayran, a carbonated yoghurt drink, which is supposed to be rather refreshing in the heat - the Ewing’s a big fan, but I still slightly fear the idea of fizzy, fermented milk and stuck to the booze.

A saucer of piuant pickles and some squares of pillowy Turkish bread turned up to to munch on before our starters; a selection of borek (cheese stuffed feta parcels); kisir (bulgur, parsley, and tomato paste); and grilled onions served with spicy turnip juice - this same juice can also be ordered as a beverage on its own; needless to say, we didn't.

Stealth particularly loved the borek; being both crispy and greasy and with a pleasingly molten Feta centre that reminded her of holidays on the Bosporus (or something). I’m not even sure I got to try the kisir – so much for this sharing lark – but it looked very pretty anyway. The onions were good; a mix of sweet and sour with a charred and smoky edge.

Stealth chose her main from one of the trio of changing stews in the window; her pick being an unassuming ut brilliant mix of waxy potato chunks and lamb kofte in a thin tomatoey gravy and topped with grilled tomatoes and green chillies.

I continued with the cop shish - very similar to the standard shish kebab, but with smaller chunks of meat, meaning more surface area for all the delicious crispy crunchy bits. The lamb was superlative, tender, and juicy and smoky; while the tomato flecked bulgar and fluffy rice alongside did the job of providing ballast.

A little too much ballast perhaps, as we got half way through before downing forks, defeated. No matter as the Ewing was a very thankful recipient of the doggy bag I schlepped all the way home, even managing to transport the two pieces of baklava back without too much syrup spillage. 

With our usual over ordering and enthusiastic beer consumption I didn’t have the chance to sample even one of their Sutlac (rice pudding) let alone a trio, but something tells me we’ll be back before very long. 

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